Wanderer of Wonders

2010-07-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

From my FB note
Saturday, 03 July 2010 at 08:43

Ano’ng masasabi mo dito?
What stage na po?
Uhm, hmmm, stage three na….
What’s the next step po?
You will undergo some treatments. Either you have your mastectomy first followed by series of chemotherapy, or baligtad.
Doc, what are the chances po?
40-60% chances of survival.
When do I need to start the treatment po?
ASAP. Each day counts.

There. It was as simple as that. I was not hysterical. Prior to my last visit to my doctor, I had already did some researches about the type of lump found in my left breast. My doctor knew I do researches, so she had expected that I already knew my condition.

I knew it was CANCER. What I did not expect was that it would be in that stage. According to my research, cancer has only four stages, the last is non-treatable. Hospitals DO NOT treat the stage four. Mine is already in this advanced stage. If I do chemo or not, it would almost still be the same. I do not have much chances.

It’s confirmed. My researches were confirmed. Thoughts came running wildly in my mind. Oh my, I’m gonna be bald, wait, I haven’t had my MS grad pic yet. I’m supposed to visit some places, I want to go to Vietnam. Then I thought of my family. Mom’s coming back in December, and she’ll be staying for good. I don’t want her seeing me in that condition. We’ve never had much time together while growing up, and now, finally, she’ll be staying in our home, and I would be…bald and weak?

How was I supposed to tell everyone? I had to call some friends; but I couldn’t even utter the word.

I love my job. It’s giving me much freedom to enjoy the other facets of my life while at the same time earning enough. I don’t want to lose this.

These and all. The future suddenly became blurred. I was seeing everything the way I saw and heard people during my surgery under general anesthesia. I was almost aware of my surroundings, but I was so weak that I couldn’t even think of my next action.

D-A-B-D-A. I still remember these stages. I wanted to locate where I was in these; but I had to ask myself. What was I feeling prior to knowing my illness? Holy cow, I was perfectly alright! Why would I think of anything about dying when I never even felt anything that I would be dying anytime soon?

Get up, Lizet! Don’t be a fool! I suddenly remembered, I am a researcher.

So there, I did some researches, and I couldn’t be luckier. I am going to start treatments, but not a chemo. The prices may also be expensive, but I am going to live. I am going to continue battling for life. I am going to grow old with the people I love.

I am blessed to have my family, relatives, and friends who continue to tell me that I am going to live longer. I wish I could thank you enough. You know who you are

Please continue to join my journey. I will be a new me. I just need a few more months. My life continues as it was before, but with some precautions, oppps, I mean lots of precautions.

See you in December.

2010-06-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

So, there, I had the surgery. It was exhausting, no, not the physical pain. It was exhausting because for the first time in my life I felt so weak and helpless.
I was aware of almost everything that was happening around me. I could hear my anesthesiologist and my surgeon, and the nurse/s around me, whispering something in the air that my ears could hardly reach. I was not able to catch up everything, some words went too blurred for my mind to see; but I was only sure of one thing: they were talking about "damaging my breast."

2010-06-12T01:43:00.000-07:00

hmmmm. After a few months, I'm now blogging again.
I honestly don't know what to write here. I don't even know why I have to blog again. Just for the sake of updating my blog? No longer would the reason be that I am emotionally broken again? I don't exactly know the answer.

I was actually feeling the need to immediately scribble some few words here. I wanted to write about the almost one month of traveling from Cebu City to Davao City. More than that, I wanted to write about a very good friend Dann, and how wonderful her family is. I wanted to tell her how I've appreciated the days I've stayed with her family, and that FOR THE FIRST TIME as far as my earliest recollection is concern, I HAVE FELT HOW IT WAS TO BE WITH A FAMILY. Maybe her mom, or even Dann, didn't know that the hug her mother gave me made a very great meaning to my life. It was like paying off the more than two decades of almost living alone.

I wanted to write about the path I am traveling now. I wanted to check If I am really ready to stay single till kingdoms collapse, and if I am really contented with the job I am with now. Maybe I am, I was able to buy a parcel of lot, and still enjoying life during rest days. So, maybe I am. Forget about my master's degree from UP, I am happy and contented. In the end, these two matter most in a person's life.

It's June 12. No, I am not going to write about the Philippine Independence day, for now, I shall leave my socio political leanings. It's about my Dad, how everything changed when we lost him 25 years ago. How I am still longing for his love. and how sad I am now that I can barely remember how he looked like when he was alive, the figures that the photos don't show me. I am missing you, daddy.

For some reasons, I felt all the more lazy to blog, or to put it in a more honest word, I am SCARED. Until now, I am scared as hell as to what my upcoming surgery would lead me to. I am not afraid of the physical suffering that I may feel after the surgery, but I am just really scared that this could turn out as a bad lump, and that my mom may not be able to accept this. She had suffered enough when my sister had a heart problem, I cannot give her another problem like this.

So, what am I really supposed to write about? I've come to this point, wrote some words, but don't really know what I want to blog about. Maybe in the coming days, after my surgery....

2010-01-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

So much have changed. Life has no color, even if everything seems alright. Life can never be fine without you. Will you ever be here? Will you ever back? Will you ever love me again?

I'm missing you....

2009-10-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

Ang kinalakihan kong bahay.

Nurturing Kalabasa plants.

Ang Pinyahan ko

Eggplant plantation.

Ang paboritong sangkap ko sa bulanglang, PATANI!

2009-09-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

Bliss of Love

Holding your hand,

Walking slowly beside you,

Exchanging stories of our yesteryears,

Learning theories,

Our personal accounts,

Our personal views

Our personal feelings,

Watching as the sun hides to give way for darkness

Are more orgasmic than anything in this world,

But to you,

Why these seem to be more taboo than sex?

2009-09-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Someday, someone will give you all the things that you have already given to someone else. And it won't matter if you love him or not, what will only matter is that he appreciates you and ready to love you.

2009-09-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

Joanna Mikka Liwag : sabi ni kuya, tatlong bagay lang ang kelngan nya para makasurvive dito sa tokyo: (1)internet, (2) aircon? at (3) ang kaalaman na may isang taong nagmamahal sa kanya...

2009-09-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

Broken Dream

I only wanted you to hold me and tell me that you have really loved me. Then, I can let you go. Not this way. Not when after making myself stupid for believing that it could happen and that it could be true. Dreams, undeniably, are subversive.

I have loved you, and there had never been somebody else the way I have felt for you, but you wouldn't know about this. NO way would you know about this; because you're now leaving me, and I shall leave you too.

2009-09-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

One not fine day, in response to my Yahoo! Messenger status "Don't believe in dreams and fantasies, these are subversive."

Rizza Estadola: no i disagree, the subconscious mind is more powerful than the conscious mind
Rizza Estadola: hahaha
LIZT: I agree naman, subconscious is really more powerful, but it can bring us to destruction
Rizza Estadola: ah syempre dapat may wisdom eheheh
LIZT: the subconscious mind tends to over do something that the conscious cannot
Rizza Estadola: pero dapat i balance din sya ng conscious mind kase yun yung goal of education di ba
LIZT: korek hehe
Rizza Estadola: aba bakit seryoso ang shout out mo?
LIZT: OA kaseh ang subconscious minsan!
LIZT: dahil seryoso ng konti ang buhay ko ngayon
Rizza Estadola: pero it's where the impossible things happen
Rizza Estadola: ahahah! really?
LIZT: kaya nga, the IMPOSSIBLE!
Rizza Estadola: siguro overworked ka na lizet
Rizza Estadola: relax hehe
LIZT: and it frustrates us somehow kaseh nga it's impossible and yet we're always hoping that it could be true
LIZT: hehe
Rizza Estadola: lizet, sabi nga nga sa isang preaching na nabasa ko: every good things is worth waiting for; every victory wil take time
Rizza Estadola: every good thing that you really really wish is worth the fight
LIZT: Ayokong ifollow yan
Rizza Estadola: why?
LIZT: pano na ung impossibilities? Would u still wait for something impossible to happen?
Rizza Estadola: yes, the other word for that is faith
Rizza Estadola: you only have one life, would you regret really having what you want kung waiting time lang naman ang requirement?
Rizza Estadola: waiting is a form of fight
LIZT: would u continue hoping for something to happen and spend ur whole life for it to happen while u can start to enjoy life once you've forgotten about it and accept the fact that some things are made not for real
Rizza Estadola: it's a matter of personal choice. but if you think that the temporal or second best happiness that you like doesn't really make you happy, then by all means go fight for the gold!
LIZT: Gold is the price that we've all wanted, but Gold is always limited
Rizza Estadola: yes, the price is high, but the thrill is all really worth it
LIZT: and the terror along with it
Rizza Estadola: yes, it's like war, may casualty
Rizza Estadola: but would you want to forever stay in the harbor than go out in the open sea and explore?
LIZT: if that would mean I can avoid the casualties and settle for anything that could make me satisfy, I would stay
Rizza Estadola: oh i see
Rizza Estadola: sayang naman
LIZT: but at least I can save myself from being one of the casualties
Rizza Estadola: you still never know
Rizza Estadola: giving up the fight early on means you're already a casualty
LIZT: If I can see that I am not capable of winning, the next best thing is to give up.
Rizza Estadola: because you don't have faith in yourself that's why early on, you already quit
Rizza Estadola: if you don't have faith in yourself kasi, you don't just defeat yourself forever, but you also affect hte people around you by thinking that they can't make it too
Rizza Estadola: but if you will believe in the power within you, you never know how powerful you could be
Rizza Estadola: fear is like a ghost, it paralyzes you when in fact it doesn't really exist
Rizza Estadola: the world is full of people with fears. that's why people seldom fight
Rizza Estadola: no wonder there's so much hopelessness, fear, poverty, etc etc....
LIZT: Riz, you're too full of wisdom, pd ka na mag-asawa
LIZT:
Rizza Estadola: feeling ko minsan adik adik lang
Rizza Estadola:
LIZT:
Rizza Estadola: gusto ko na nga eh, i'm having a lot of battles myself
Rizza Estadola: but you just have to identify the lies kasi, because most people don't believe in themselvees
LIZT: hayzt, ang ending, feeling ko tama ka pero feeling ko tama din ako kaya walang mali. And yes, there's so much fears in me.
Rizza Estadola:
Rizza Estadola: it's ok lizet, it's ok. pero you know what, si God lang naman kasi ang pwedeng maging superman ng buhay natin kasi di rin natin kaya i korek ang sarili natin. masyadong malakas ang feat at iba pang feelings at enemies para kalabanin natin. it's only God who can give us weapons to fight like faith, love, protection, etc.
Rizza Estadola: we can always pray, like be ourselves and talk to God. you'll see what happens kasi He will show you
Rizza Estadola:
Last message received on 9/23 at 8:46 AM

2009-09-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

Are you just going to let me go? Kahit nakakapit pa ako, nakabitiw ka na agad....

2009-08-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

Sana lang matutunan ko na talagang mapagod sayo. Maawa naman sana ako sa sarili ko, this is masochism. Moving on does mean mean saving myself.

I think nasanay na lang talaga ako na ganito. Napapasaya kapag nasasaktan. O baka naman talagang mas kaya ko ang masaktan na umaasa, kaysa masaktan dahil wala ng pag-asa.

2009-06-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Joan Pauline Talubo: ang tindi ng status message mo
Joan Pauline Talubo: hehe
Joan Pauline Talubo: inlababo
Joan Pauline Talubo: hahaha
LIZT: haha. mahaba yan
LIZT: unrequitted
Joan Pauline Talubo: ok lang yun
Joan Pauline Talubo: sabi nga sa isang text dati
Joan Pauline Talubo: isang araw, darating yung tao na magbibigay ng lahat nang naibigay mo na
Joan Pauline Talubo::)
LIZT: pano pagdumating un?
Joan Pauline Talubo: pag dumating eh d hindi na unrequited
Joan Pauline Talubo::)
LIZT: honga hayzt.

2009-06-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

It's all because I'm in love with you.

I slept thinking about you, woke up loving you. It's all coming back to me now, and it's hurting me much I can't contain it....

Love is the sweetest of all the chocolates, candies, and fruits; until it totally drains ur mouth, ur brain, and it kills you, tears u apart.

I don't understand love, and I don't understand people who fall for that. I don't understand why that small little thing that knocks in your brain can wash away all the miseries and pains, and yet, can give these back to you when the sweetness is all gone.

...and I don't understand myself why I have been a prey for this monster called love. I have continued loving you, but I can't contain it now, I have to go, I have to leave....

2009-06-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Just be There

I am a willing victim of claustrophobia
Barely breathing
Barely moving
The door has not opened yet.

I am fascinated by the physical pains
Injured
Fractured
For a moment, I can forget this emotion you’ve broken.

I am laughing because I am crying.
This can never be more painful
Than seeing myself devoid of pure emotions.
Than thinking that you no longer exist here.

So I would cry, I would laugh, I would smile
Because in the midst of all these,
I know I can find you
Hurting me
Torturing me
Killing me sweetly
And softly.
But at least you’re there.
At least I can hope
That you’re really THERE.

I tried to watch the birds fly freely in the sky. I tried to capture the air in my hands. I tried to run till I got myself to nowhere.

I tried to breath deeply to utter the words I have long ago forgotten, but this small voice controls me, the little sanity that has never left me, but disturbs me so badly. I could have said it long time ago, I could have enjoyed that moment and let myself go freely. But I can never forgive myself for whatever will happen next, I know I will only find myself back to isolation.

Time has never been too harsh, time has never been this long, to give me such long time agony. I will forget you, but I would have to keep my fingers crossed to beg the time that it may come when I can still hold on to this sanity I barely have.

2009-04-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Lost and delirious again. I can't stay single forever. I still wish there's someone to call my own. I cannot be anyone's girl friend. They're always here, but always leave me, simply because I have no hold, they are not mine. Nobody's mine.

I think I would get back to you, at least u never leave me. You're still there, and I know it would all depend on me to get us together. But I love someone else....

2009-03-27T10:12:00.001-07:00

Tek! Busy ang utak ko, pati ba naman tong emosyon ko, nagpapakabusy sa pag-iisip sayo?!
Ay ang tanga ko talaga, asa pa! Wag na kaseh, wag na wag na wag na!
Wag ako'ng feeling. Hayzt naman...Grrrrr, ano ka ba naman?!?!?! Tama naman yan, iwanan mo na nga lang toh.
Pero sorry, nasasaktan lang talaga ako. At di ko kayang tanggalin ka sa isip ko despite everything that makes me so busy right now. You add injury to an already injured soul. Sana lang naririnig mo nga to. Pero kahit paramdam wala ka. Fine, eh di wala! At ako? Syempre, back to work na!
I know we're losing each other. I know....

2009-02-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

I'm just trying this one.

2009-01-25T01:47:00.000-08:00

I was shouting, and still shouting

‘got troubled by the spirits of emptiness,
haunted by the dimming of unwanted sunlight.
I'm crossing over the unfathomable path,
trying to figure out the puzzle of yesterday.

I asked for a lil sunshine this morning,
I was still cold, numb and broken unforgivingly.
I stayed and waited, clung to the enveloping wind,
It will never happen; it won’t even come near me.

So there, the lullabies stood, motionless and defied,
Strength was weakened, hope was tortured.

Shout! In the middle of the sea.
Shout! At the heart of nowhere.
Shout! Where even echoes are muted.
And I will shout forever, wherever.

2009-01-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

2008-11-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

Hindi nga ba't isang kabaliwan na ang tanging bagay na syang nagbibigay ng kasiyahan sa aking isipan ay sya din namang nagbibigay ng matinding kalungkutan. Ang hirap nito, nasasaktan ako ngunit hanggang pagtitiis na lang ang maaari ko'ng gawin. Umiiyak ako subalit hindi mo naman makikita ang likidong ito.

Hindi mo marahil maiintindihan to, dahil wala ka namang alam, at di mo naman malalaman pa. Kung alam mo lang sana kung gaano kahirap ang magpangiti sa panahong mahapding binibiyak ang aking damdamin. Masakit yun, at ayaw ko nang ipaliwanag o magbigay ng deskripsyon dito. Hindi mo alam. Dito ko na lang maaaring ipaalam. Sa pagitan ng tama at mali ay mangingibabaw pa din ang tama at ang paglaban sa mali ay hahayaang magbaon sa akin sa mas tumitindi pang kalungkutan.

2008-10-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

Ayoko na ulit magkasakit! Bagong buhay na po ako ngayon. I will eat more, worry less, work more, keep reading and writing, and stop bleeding :P

Take more protein, will have more viands, lots and lots. I will concentrate more for my thesis, and stop all these KAARTEHANS!

2008-10-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting enough success! Just a little more time, and everything would be back to peaceful emptiness...finally. It's become so strong, I can't contain it.

2008-10-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

2008 Graduate students orientation

Hmmm, didn't know they were so many. I miss my work, I miss emceeing. Glad I found bambang's blog here.

2008-10-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Unrequitted, and it's okay

That lubdub sound
Piercing my ears
I can see you’re coming
I wake up in the morning
Hearing broken steps of yesterday
I was with you
From somewhere I cannot hear your voice
But I smelled your presence
I loved you within

I am writing again
I found this pen when I found you
‘got my words back thinking I could get you
I found my way when I’m lost with you
I am writing again
And I think it’s because of you.

2008-10-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Fearing Happiness

I shouldn't be wasting my ink here. I should be trying to focus on my work. But you bother me. You, despite the peacefulness and happiness I feel when I think about you, bother me. I hate what I am feeling. Each time I try to leave this feeling behind is the same time that gives me the excruciating injuries inside me. I'm sorry, more to myself, I cannot do it, I just simply can't.

But I know my limitation. I know how far I should go, I might not be able to move forward but I know where I should stay. And this is where I should be...far from you, far from admitting what I really feel inside. I cannot tell you this because even if it would give us both the happiness that we need, that would also be the reason how we would be broken into pieces later on. If happiness is what we want from this, then let us both find it from other people, from other things. There are still alot there that the world can offer. Not for us together, though.

2008-10-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Plok plok plok Friends

Ang daya nyo naman. Sana nandito din kayo. Sana nasasabi ko ding hirap ako. Sana alam nyo ding minsan kailangan ko din kayo. Kagaya lang ngayon. Sana alam nyo na pagod ako, malungkot, at kailangan ng kadamay. Kaya ako nadamay eh, dahil alam ko'ng mahirap ang umiyak sa panahong malamig at nag-iisa ka.

Kahit isa lang...kahit minsan lang. Pero di ko sasabihin to. Wonderwoman ako diba. Kaya kunwari matapang ako. Pero this time, ayaw ko'ng kayanin eh. Baka sakali lang itaboy ng hangin ang mga letra dito, liparin sa sino mang makakaramdam.

2008-10-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Sige, ilagay dito!

Mark: what is that bullshit status message?

t_s_maria13: sorry, I thought you've deleted me again
Mark: so you are marrying Bill Gates?
t_s_maria13: How come?
t_s_maria13: You told me I won't be able to marry anyone
Mark: it was in your status mssg
t_s_maria13: so?
Mark: just do what you want
t_s_maria13: which can never be enough for you
Mark: which is nothing
Mark: you dont exist
Mark: you're not a person
t_s_maria13: I know
Mark: hmmmm. I try to manage it, but I get deeply frustrated at times. I try to be distant to let you be, but then other times I try to take a step closer with no effect.
Mark: I have failed also.
t_s_maria13: you're just too inconsistent
t_s_maria13: and you've created a wide distance
Mark: okay
Mark: frankly, it's not worth the effort
Mark: I question myself, why do I want to climb your wall
t_s_maria13: it's not even worth the time to talk about it
Mark: I'm no longer interested. Real relationships aren't this hard
t_s_maria13: neither do I
Mark: sadly, it's not worth it
t_s_maria13: and I don't know the reason why you always have to be mad
Mark: you know why but you deny it
Mark: because I do have feelings for you
t_s_maria13: wow, not everyone in this world could hear such explanation
Mark: and your biting sarcasm
Mark: your negativity hurts. The wall is maintained by negativity. when was the last time you had anything pleasant to say?
t_s_maria13: since when you said you needed to distant yourself from me
t_s_maria13: goodnight
Mark: no
Mark: since forever

2008-10-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

May Tama Ako!

Kung iuutos mo sa akin na tigilan na 'to, gagawin ko.

Kung sasabihin mo sa akin na kalakohan lang 'to, para sayo magtitino ako.

Kung lagi ka'ng nandirito kahit malayo ka, andirito na din ako.

Kung tatapunan mo ako ng atensyon, ibubuhos ko sayo ang sa akin.

Kung lilinawin mo ang lahat, di na ako magugulo pa.

Basta para sa akin, at para sa'yo. Basta sasaya tayo.

Basta may totoo. Basta ako. Basta ikaw. Basta tayo.

2008-10-05T04:25:00.000-07:00

Love really hurts

The night makes me realized that the reason behind this on and off misery is the absence of this despicable emotion for someone. If he's telling me I've no emotion, then why am I hurting?

I am happy, because I am a happy person; but this does not preclude the fact that I am also sad. One needs to be sad to feel the happiness. This completes me, but sadness torments me more than ever. If I can control myself to laugh or smile just so I wouldn't feel this emptiness, I would be willing to dump it somewhere. Sometimes, it's just really so unbearable that I have to contain myself with the littlest enjoyable thing that I have in my hand, or somewhere.

Right now, I am sad. Maybe because I was happy last night, or the other night. Or maybe because I've learned that I am just a...whatever. It would be too much to ask. 'might as well contain myself again with the littlest "attention" that I get. I am not expecting that tomorrow would be better, no, I don't think so. I am just hoping that I could at least forget about this, and finally find peace of mind.

How could it be possible that I am inlove, and hurting....

2008-09-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Gabing Ligalig

'could be the rain yesterday, or the day fading tonight. 'could be my pillows, the food I had, the music and it's lyrics. It must be something, something that makes me this helpless again tonight. Forgive me, but the night feels just so sad again..

2008-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dahil Nagmamahal Ako!

People love at the wrong time; time chooses a wrong person. So, I believe life needs to be fair sometimes, cuz it really isn't.

2008-06-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

A THOUGHT FROM LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

May mga panahong kapag wala sya akala mo nalulungkot ka lang, wala ka lang makausap, o napagod ka lang sa maghapon. Sa huli, malalaman mo na lang na...

nagmamahal ka na pala.

2008-05-10T04:21:00.002-07:00

Minsang Maglakbay sa Damuhan ng Freedom Park

Naglakad ako kanina sa damuhan ng Freedom Park. Hubad ang pagal na tsinelas, nilakbay ko ng maka-ilang ulit ang kahabaan ng parke na ito. Masarap pala talagang makaniig ang kalikasan kung minsan, bagamat hanggang talampakan lang ang kayang kumuryente sa kasalukuyang kalungkutan.

Mayaman sa kulisap ang mga damuhan, sabihin pa, maayos pa din naman ang kalikasan sa loob ng campus. Kahit na nga ba ang kaayusan na ito ay
nakakulong lamang sa loob nito. Masarap sa pakiramdam ang paglalakbay ko kanina. May kaunting
kaligayahan ako'ng nadama, marahil ay dala ng kalayaan na naramdaman ko sa pag-alala nung aking kamusmusan; noong panahong malaya ako'ng mag-isip, at kahit school homework ay di ko naman talaga pinoroblema. Di ko na alintana ang putik o insekto na maaring dumapo sa aking paa, dahil sabi ko sa sarili ko kanina...kailangan ko ito sa ngayon, ang makapanlimos ng kahit kaunting liwanag ng ligaya.

Patakbo ko'ng binalikan ang aking dormitoryo. Di dahil nagising ako sa katotohanang masteral student na nga pala ako sa ngayon; kundi dahil unti-unti ko nang naramdaman ang panakanakang pagdampi ng malamig na hangin sa aking pisngi, na kung minsan ay may kasama ng likido. Padating na ang ulan.

Ngayon nga ay nasa kwarto na ako ng dormitoryo. Kung bakit ngayon pa dumalaw ang ulan. Sa panahong hindi ko pa naliligwatan ang kalungkutang ito. Ang ulan kaseh kadalasan ang nagbibigay ng senyales kung kailan maaaring pumatak ang luha ko. Ang ulan din ang dahilan
upang alipinin ako ng tukso ng malalim na pagiisip sa buhay; buhay na wala pa talaga akong plano sa paroroonan nito. Bigla na lang umulan ng malakas, gusto ko sanang sumabay dito, ilabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Subalit pilit ko'ng ibinabangon na ang aking katinuan, wala naman talagang dahilan para maramdaman ko ito. At ang mas malalim na pagpapaliwanag pa dito ay kailangan ko nang baguhin ang mga ganitong nararamdaman ko sa sarili.

Buti na lang bigla na ding tumigil ang ulan. Biglang din ang pagpaling ng realidad ng mga pangyayari sa ngayon: Kailangan kong harapin ang THESIS ko.
Ang paglakad? Maari din namang bukas muli, at mas payapa na sana ako.
Ang ulan? Tuloy lang sya, at sana antok na lang maramdaman ko sa kanya. Di ang kung ano pa man na di naman talaga makakatulong pa sa aking sarili, higit lalo sa aking thesis.

2008-05-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

Changes

The ink is paler,
someone had snatched my pen away.
There are new songs around,
        new noise,
        new barricade
        a new environment.

When I asked myself
If I want to be in that dark room again,
I got convinced,
I am going to fight this now.
     no more sad love songs,
     no melancholy
     no moments of loneliness to reign in my heart.

I know I must continue this journey,
This new journey that I've begun long time ago.

2008-04-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's really better to just hate him. I'm tired!

2008-04-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

'was talking to Mark the other day when he sent me this one poem I shared with him a few years ago (3 years if I'm not mistaken). I usually don't keep much of my poems specially if I just dedicate one to another person. Luckily, he saves most of the poems I share with him, so sometimes he sends me back some, especially if things are not going well between us. I think he knows what I meant here, and he's just goddam scared again to admit it. Ya' know, the "scare me away" line and all that.

Anyway, here's the poem he sent me back.

Today’s Yesterday....

And it is this day that I wake up

Tori Amos loudly disturbing my ears

My eyes are too magnetized for Pablo Neruda

I remember what happened yesterday,

there are empty cans of previously cold drinks,

there are ashes scattered on the floor,

pillows are all around,

I wonder why,

Not an enviable sight for anyone to witness.

A vivid recall of a day that lapsed,

I tried to scream at the top of my lungs,

But I found myself slowly collapsing in this room,

I know I cried so loud last night,

shame on me,

I’m too old for that.

believe me,

I have tried so hard to be as frigid as I can be,

but this restless mind,

this broken heart,

this longing body,

this craziness in me,

All have consented this one action,

Though I’m unable to fathom this so long mystery,

I should welcome you now, my secret dream.

2008-04-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

One Afternoon at the Freedom Park

It was a wonderful feeling
A moon partly hidden by this mysterious palm,
A grazed green grass to catch our feet,
And this cold air enveloping the secret of the breeze,
It was fun,
A little taste of it won't be too bad for this melancholia.

2008-04-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

Life is going back to hell. It's goddam hard, if you know what I mean. It's hard to live when you can't expect life to be better one day. Right now, I'm dead, so dead I can't hear any sound, nor see any color. Colors are black, sounds are muted, and this sadness kills me.
Love stories are so unrealistic, happy endings are not true, at the end of the day you'd be left woendering what the hell's wrong with our lives. I hate to accept the fact that I'm being left alone now.

2008-04-19T01:29:00.000-07:00

Damn, I'm sick. And tired. And bored. And half crazy, the remaining half is trying to pretend to be still sane.
I want to go somewhere, to a beach where water would be pure, where the air is swaying free, and where Earth is at peace. I want to capture the sunset with my two disbelieving eyes, and I want to hold the serenity with my two fragile hands, I want to be among the clouds,
the air, the breath that people take. I want to be with someone and free.
I want to just take a break, it's all what I need to complete me for now.

2008-04-19T01:27:00.000-07:00

1. What frustrates you most?
- I can do small favors to other people; I can do big for my family and friends. I’m usually a giver, if it’s not so much trouble for me, or even if I have to go thru some troubles if the person’s worth it, I would do it. I seldom ask favor though, that’s why I get to be really frustrated whenever I ask anyone a small favor and they can’t do it for me. I can’t take it; it’s hard for me to accept that some people can’t do the same for me.

2. What’s the craziest thing you have ever done?
- I think I was 12 or 13. May isang napakataba’ng mama na lagi na lang sinasabihan ng lola ko na wag sumakay sa duyan ng little cousin ko kaseh masisira, eh bangag ata ang loko. Anyway, nang minsa’ng topakin ako, kinausap ko yung isa ko pa’ng cousin na mas bata (Jeff) para tulungan ako luwagan ang lubid. So, hayun, ng nakahiga na ang mamaat sarap na sarap sa pagduyan, mga after 5 mins or so, bagsak ang pwet nya sa lupa! Wahaha, hanggang ngayon siguro sinusumpa ako nung mama pag nakita ako hehe. (Di na nga pala sya nakiduyan ulit, hehe:P)

3. What’s the craziest thing that you’ve been dreaming to do?
- I want to travel to different beautiful places in the Philippines. I want to take some videos of them, but since I don’t have the money, I intend to travel thru hitch hiking, that would also be fun. Maybe I can do it for a month, fully traveling by free.
- I also want to know the stories of the beggars, or the street children. But to write their stories I have to feel what they feel. So, maybe I can pretend to be one of them for some weeks.

4. What would you avoid most?
- Some shallow people who know nothing but to defame other people, who is irresponsible, immature and who is so unhappy.

5. What’s your biggest fear?
- I love my family and friends so so much, I get scared whenever I just think that something bad might happen to anyone of them.

6. What upsets you most?
- Un-accomplished tasks, and I hate it when some people are mad. I hate the environment when there’s no unity and when people are upset, too.

7. What would make you happy?
- When my mum’s happy, and when I make people happy, I would be happiest. A laugh of a child is also contagious, I laugh with them.

8. What would settle you down?
- A medium-sized farm and a fishery I own, planting vegetables and some crops, with a simple educated farmer that I can spend my whole life with. I’d be really contented with the set-up

2008-03-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sharing this paper regarding the relationship of population with the environment.

The World Environment

Year 2006 when the former United States presidential aspirant Al Gore made a documentary film entitled as “Inconvenient Truth.” This was received by different reactions of the people, some of these were bad criticisms; but one thing was unanimously agreed, our environment is in bad shape and is getting worse.

Water scarcity could be the worst scenario in our present era. The world consists of 71% water, but only 3% of it can be used for human consumption. From this 3%, 17% would be needed for food production (World Water Council 2000; UNEP 2002), adding to the fact that high yielding crops would need more water. Irrigation also gets 40% share. Right now, the world is experiencing drought, creating a record with the hottest temperature ever in the history. By 2020 an estimated 2/3 of the world’s people will be living in water-stressed countries (CSD 1997 as cited in UNEP 2002). Most of these would be coming from Africa. There are currently 1.1 billion of the 7 billion people who lack access to safe water. Deforestation is one contributing factor to lack of good water.

“Total forest area in 2005 was just under 4 billion hectares. YELLOW”16 million hectares of forest area disappear annually since 2001. This disappearance has tremendous effect on the carbon cycle which is needed to sustain life; forest is the Earth’s lungs because it provides us oxygen for us to breath. Africa and Latin American continents have the most environmentally stressed countries while Europe is expanding in a slower rate. Rain forests in South East Asia are the fast shrinking forests. Asia could have lost more of it if not for the reforestation project of China. Tropical forests are also fast disappearing due mainly for land settlement of the growing number of population. These people would clear the forest to settle and to plant seasonal crops. Despite this, crop yields are expected to decline in most tropical and subtropical regions as rainfall and temperature patterns change with a changing climate (IPCC 2001). Land suitable for rain fed agriculture may shrink by 11 percent in developing countries by 2080 (FAO 2005)

The Impact
Right now, the Philippines is experiencing tremendous impact of environmental degradation. The archipelago can be considered as having one of the richest natural resources. We have 12 different forest formations; all of them share a variety of species that we can use for our living, but many of which are fast disappearing. In the present, there are at least 194 animals and 193 plants as among those considered as endangered species. This is mainly a result of the loss of the country’s forests and the destruction of coral reefs.

The increasing number of population creates massive stresses on the natural environment. Land, water, and air are being affected with the kind of culture that we follow, and the kind of technology that we use. As the population increases, land use conversion also increases. Because there would be more people who would need more land areas for cultivation and settlement, our environment suffers. We can measure the effect to our environment by measuring the population growth, affluence of each country, and technology used by the people.

Despite rapid urbanization in most regions, almost half of the world’s population still lives in rural areas. In South Asia, 70% people live in rural areas and there is an estimation that 75% of poor people live in rural areas (environment changes and their impact,). Many of the population increases are in rural areas, which would give more stresses in the environment. People would consume more energy; agricultural production would expand hence would use more land areas. People in the rural use more agricultural land than in the urban areas as the main source of their income.

Agricultural production is still the major source of livelihood to many under developed countries. People rely on the use of land for consumption. Globally 44 % of the active workforce is engaged in agriculture, the importance of this sector as a source of employment varies by region and income. Population growth in developing countries will put further pressure on agriculture as rising demand for food requires more land and more forests to be turned to agricultural use. (Environment Changes and their Impact). With the conversion of forests for agricultural production, the environment deteriorates even worse.

Western economies are using massive amounts of energy and land areas that cannot be matched by simply expanding standard economic growth in poor countries. The environmental resources in the poor countries are being exported and exploited by the USA and Western Europe. These economies are already destroying rain forests and depleting oil deposits. The affluence of living in a first world country simply adds to the detriment of the environment. There isn't much left for the rest of the world.

In an island nation like the Philippines, we have a microcosm of coming global environmental disaster. The Earth is an island in the solar system. The massive destruction of the rain forest and overpopulation in the Philippines will soon be matched by the Earth itself in the larger venue.

The Filipinos are now experiencing the effect of the burgeoning number of people. “Although Philippines has abundant natural resources, these resources are compromised by a number of factors, including population pressures and poverty,” Philippine Reference Bureau, 2007. One of the livelihoods that we depend upon is fishing. About 75 percent of the fish we catch live in the mangroves, hence make mangroves the vital source of our seafood. Today, the Philippines have lost almost 90% of its mangroves, the vast majority since 1970 (DM, Melana, et al, Mangrove Management and Development in the Philippines 2000). Many of these mangroves have been cleared for human settlements, agricultural and industrial developments. Because the Filipino population have been tripled since the 70’s, more demand for fishing is needed while the government have not made enough policies to safeguard these mangroves.

The global economy is not sustainable. It will collapse if economists continue to act and speak as if the Earth is a limitless barrel of oil and rain forest. Soon, this century, the oil will be gone and our forests, as well. One direct devastating consequence is the increase in flooding and mud slides. The Philippine country has experienced far worse calamities in the history due mostly to the depletion of our environment. We can still recall with horror the tragedy when an entire village in southern Leyte was buried, and in it hundreds of children and teachers buried alive, due to a massive mudslide that was incontrovertibly caused by deforestation in the watershed above the school (private communication, 2007). This is the usual case in the country, calamities brought about by massive deforestation. Those children and teachers died because of multiple factors-- overpopulation in Leyte with too many people cutting down too many trees, and the larger responsibility lies with the government agencies and individuals who failed to stop illegal logging and also those parties domestically and internationally who benefited from the logging in that watershed.

Ecological Footprint

Malthusian theory has received overwhelming criticisms from different theorists, especially from the point of view of the old Marxists. While Sir Thomas Robert Malthus have erred in some of his predictions, he was right in the long run. Our ecological footprint is simply exceeding beyond the limit line. The environment is definitely not getting any better, not in the coming decades or so. If we would listen to the cries of the rivers, to the echoes in the forests, to the anger of our natural environment, we would know then that they are in helpless position.

For us to be able to determine the environmental degradation that we are experiencing, we need to measure the population, affluence of the people, and the technology that these people use. We all know that nature was a lot better centuries ago as compared today, because it never had the issue of over population, and that people never used such vast amount of oil for the machineries. But it does not and should not end like this. The world needs strong environmental polices to control further weakening of our soil.
Growing from 76.5 million in 2000 to 85.2 million in 2005, the population of the Philippines is increasing more rapidly than most countries in Southeast Asia(Population Reference Bureau, 2007). In urban areas, 90 percent of the Filipinos still have good source of water, while the rural areas have 77 percent. But since the urban centers are rapidly growing too, this results to more water pollution. Between 1996 and 2001, four major rivers in NCR were found to contain such high levels of pollutants that they were considered biologically dead (Population Reference Bureau, 2007).

What we need to do

In the Philippines, we do not want any more tragedies like Leyte mudslide, Quezon disaster because of typhoon. The heat we experience is too much, we can see too many flooded areas in Manila because they do not have enough trees to control the flooding. We all detest these calamities, it hinders are economic recovery. What the Philippines need, as a microcosm of the world, is strong policies for the protection of the environment, study all those factors that affect this; for then may we realize that growing number of population is among those factors that destroys the environment we live in. Only then may we all realize the interdependence of humans and our environment, to stop reducing the issue of population growth to just mere numbers.

Reaction Paper on Population and Environment

2008-03-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Just sharing this paper for my socio subject.

Population and Poverty
(A Policy Paper)

by:
LIZT
MS Development Communication
Sociology 291

University of the Philippines – Los Baños
School Year 2007-2008

Rationale

Majority of the people in the world today is in poverty, even more extreme in some parts of the globe. In Sub-Saharan Africa, the problem is not just about the lack of food, but the inadequate access to water and other basic necessities. The third world countries in Asia suffer from food shortages and wide unemployment. Education becomes the privilege of the few elite, while the basic sectors remain to be under impoverishment.

The wealth is unequally distributed. To give you the view, the wealth of the 41 most underdeveloped countries is less than what the world’s seven richest people have. The poorest 40 percent of the world’s population accounts for 5 percent of global income; the richest 20 percent accounts for three-quarters of world income. The United States of America spends $ 8 billion for cosmetics, a $ 2 billion more to give free education for all. Half the world — nearly three billion people — live on less than two dollars a day, while more than 80 percent of the world’s population lives in countries where income differentials are widening (http://www.globalissues.org/TradeRelated/Facts.asp, 2008).

Overpopulation exacerbates poverty. In a country where there is a higher birth rate compared to other countries, it is expected that they also have the higher number of poor people. The worst case scenario is that the disparity among the rich and the poor is widening. Due also to overpopulation problem is the decreasing support to education, health, and other basic services to their citizens. Whenever there is fiscal crisis, the most vulnerable of in the nation are the poor, the sector composing the great majority of the people. The more people we have, the more likely that these services would decrease.

The Philippines is among those with both higher birth rate and higher poverty level. According to National Statistical Coordination Board (2006), poverty in the country worsens in 2006, from 24 poor families out of 100 in 2003 it climbs to 27 in 2006. As of year 2006, there are 4.7 million families who are poor.
The poorest province according to survey is Tawi- Tawi, a province in Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao. The province continues to deteriorate their economic status, Tawi-Tawi has the record of being the poorest in the country among 81 provinces during the 2006 survey of NSCB from being the 31st in the rank during 2003. Their poverty incidence had risen up from 17.8 to 36.0 during 2003 to 2006, respectively; there was an increase by more than 40 percentage points between 2003 and 2006. This means that almost eight out of ten families in this province do not earn the minimum income to meet their food and non-food needs. Agriculture, fishing, and agar-agar farming are the leading source of livelihood of the people of Tawi-Tawi, with quite a number engaged in the barter trade business. In this sense, most of the people are dependent on smaller income, with less opportunity to better livelihood.

We cannot just allow these poor people live forever in poverty. It is like allowing them to transfer their impoverishment to the next generation. The cycle of poverty will continue to roll if we cannot do something about it.

Goals and Objectives

If we want to alleviate the people from poverty, we would need to set our goals and objectives. We can start implementing measures to each country, to all the countries in the world where there is poverty. We should start with addressing the root of poverty so that we would know what to solve. We should know what factors contribute to poverty, in all the aspects of society.

In the Philippines, and this is true to other countries, poverty is not just an economic issue, but also a political and cultural one. Even long ago when our resources were still flourishing, majority of the Filipinos have really been poor. They were poor because they could not escape from the colonialism of the super power countries, most prominent of this is the United States of America; from the worsening cases of graft and corruption coupled with the public officials running the big businesses in the country; and from the concentration of the land to the few where the farmers were never given the opportunity to own the land they till.

Today, the cultural aspect is playing the role to misery. From 1970’s up to the present, the number of Filipinos has been tripled, but the government was not able to deter this problem. Inculcated in the beliefs of the Filipino people is the catholic view that it would be a moral sin to promote birth control, thus it would be hard for the government to implement programs for birth control because the church plays the biggest role in the cultural beliefs of the Filipinos. Hence, population continues to be out of control which further worsens the poverty situation.

We need to create solutions for this problem. We should arouse the awareness of the individuals for them to realize these aspects that explain why they cannot alleviate themselves from poverty. We have to organize them in finding solutions to the problem of poverty, and in reducing the country’s population growth. In doing so, we would likely mobilize them to act as one in pursuing the common goal, to achieve a better standard of living.

Target

After having laid down the possible goals and objectives, there would be a need to set the optimum target to implement these. We need to set up a holistic approach in meeting our goals and objectives, and set the expected time that we can finally see an achievement for these.

The 40% increase of poverty incidence in a matter of just three years in Tawi-Tawi is telling us that more can happen in a few years time. Taking all the considerations by hand, we can expect this province to perform better if we can face and give solutions to the problem. We would need a thorough study of the province, learn which aspect they can perform better in terms of their economic capabilities. By the year 2010, they can start acting on the problem of poverty, and by the year 2015, we should expect that their poverty incidence would decrease by at least 45%. This can be possible.

Policy and Program Measures

The problem of poverty cannot be separated from the issue of overpopulation for we know how the increasing growth of population exacerbates poverty. We can therefore launch programs to create awareness among the families to educate them that it would rather be immoral to produce children that they can no longer support even the basic needs of these children. They should realize that having smaller number of family would give them a better economic opportunity. They should also learn how to use the most effective methods in controlling pregnancy, and not just the abstinence method that their cultural norms dictate.

In the current trend of population growth, most of this is a result of the unmet need of the parents. Majority of the mothers with a lot of children would not agree to give those births but were just “victims” of the circumstances. These women have lesser power in the society of macho, hence usually gives them lesser option in times when their husbands would need them. This is especially true in the poor provinces like Tawi-Tawi. Empowering women could be a good cure in giving remedy to our birth rate.

Literacy and health are among the factors being considered in measuring the poverty level of a given place. The government must allocate more budgets for the education and health sectors to help them improve the situation of the citizens. Education is needed to give the youth the opportunity to create a better future for the nation, especially in making them productive citizens and not a burden.

If Tawi-Tawi registers one of the lowest rates of education, we must therefore put a remedy to this problem. Instead of focusing in infrastructure and modernizing the equipment of the military, the local government of Tawi-Tawi must allocate a bigger part of their fund to education. The poor people need better education more than better roads and bridges to create a better future among them.

Every year, the Philippines bring hundred thousands of the Filipinos to be among those millions of unemployed citizens. What is even more alarming is that even the professionals are not spared from unemployment. Some of them are even graduates of the best universities in the country. Majority of the people in Tawi-tawi are working in farm areas, or in some small industries; while the bigger number of them have seasonal work or not working at all.

The government must be creative enough in giving the citizens the opportunity to have income, or at least anything that could feed their families. A small entrepreneurship perhaps, or micro-finance, can be a good option to help them sustain a livelihood for their families. This kind of project would be most welcomed to small provinces like Tawi-Tawi. I believe that these jobless and low-income earners only need the opportunity to free themselves from the chain of poverty; they need something to start with, like a small capital from public or private corporations. Give them choices on how they can act as people struggling for a better living. But it must be sustainable for longer period of time.

One group cannot do this task alone. There must be a holistic approach where one cannot stand alone without the others. All the private and public officials must be tapped because poverty is the concern of everybody.

If we need to create development, let all the aspects of society show what development is. Let the people enrich their social awareness, have an economy which is based on equity, a political climate where people could expect better service from the public servants, a culture which would educate the populace in alleviating themselves from poverty, and an ecological environment that is well taken care of, and that which will not create devastating calamity to people.

If we can bring this kind of living to the people, we can then assess if development is really the best contraceptive. People need to be diverted from bringing more children to this world to making themselves as productive citizens of the world. The real essence of development might be achieved; one where less people are hungry and more people have better access to basic necessities, and where the environmental resources will not be maximized in order to feed the populace. A socially distributed wealth gives justice to everyone, a justice towards development.

2007-11-17T01:39:00.002-08:00

I have been trying to type some sentences here, unfortunately I cannot think of anything that I should include here. I know I have alot of stories to share, but it's just that I cannot put some words that I used to tell here. I should be happy, I'm in my normal world now. I don't feel too much lunatic, I am happy, in fact. I don't know, maybe studying in UP makes me feel complete. Especially that I am taking up masteral study.
My world is so much different now too. I am beginning to look for a brighter future, I don't cry much nowadays, I don't feel too lonely. I don't feel too much like an artist, so that's why I haven't been blogging much these days. I wish to be happy, but I don't wanna let go my writing habit. I've been missing it. I cannot created poems now, I cannot scribble stories. I don't wanna give up my dream of publishing a story, or doing a movie. I love yet hate this world now.
It's just so stupid that I don't use much emotion these days. I hate it, I love to be melancholic.
Hayzztt, I think I'd rather find anything that can hurt me, ehehe. How about hmmmj...really falling inlove? Uy, there could be some candidates na hehe. Bahahahahahala na gang!
Sya pa din eh! Sya pa din! HMPH!

2007-10-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

Even LOVE is in Social Context

Two O'clock in the morning. I know I need to put my words back. I know I have to write about my life again. But I have been starting to unlearn how to do this. Poems cannot feed me, my stories cannot travel anywhere, and I'm not supposed to be feeling this way again, so helpless, yet
really happy for reasons I have not fathomed yet. Is this supposed to explain something which would make any sense?

I have been hell busy the past two months, I had alot of activities and long exams which took me days and nights of restlessness. I would sleep late like around 3 am just to convince myself that I'd be able to answer any questions in the exam.  I think I have never studied this way before, all my relatives and friends know that I never study hard.

Damn, this cannot make me happy.  I am in trouble. I'm making a mess in my life again.

I AM INLOVE! I know I am. When I lay my body in my bed, I could feel its coldness, its emptiness. But my mind is fully awake. I know I am inlove. Despite the coldness it gives, my heart creates the warmth of the place, despite the emptiness of this dormitory room, my mind creates mysterious thougths that fill this messy room. Because I know I can think about love.

Damn shit. This destroys me too. I don't think I know who that someone is. I don't really have anyone in particular, it just feels too good to be able to know that I can be capable of falling in love, that I am not at all naive. But I DON'T HAVE ANYONE yet, no, not at this moment. I can't take risk to someone who can never be with me, it's almost impossible.

So, I am emptied. Like a bottle of liquor scattered somewhere in the middle of the night, nobody would care about. How I wanted, really wanted, to be with someone. Just to hold my hand, just hug me when I am this tired and sad. Just to be with someone when I know I need someone. But my life continous to travel like the way it used to, devoid, naive, departed, alone, sad, and always in denial.

So, here are my current words now. Helplessly inlove, but still no one to fall with. I just want to experience it, why would the world be too selfish with me?

2007-08-07T09:44:00.000-07:00

When the rain visits room 206

Sometimes you’d really wonder.
It’s cold. It’s windy.
The place is too serene.
A perfect harmony to keep me sane.
But then all the fears come inside me.

Sometimes I’m happy.
It’s like craving to laugh out so loud.
Until I get tired.
Until I felt all these aches.
Until I come back to painful realities.

I am not completely sad.
‘just emotionally drained.
‘just fucked up with the kind of life I’m dealing with.
But still I am living, that’s really frustrating.

Then I get back to wondering.
Why am I still living?
Do I really have any reason to be alive?
I’m not human, I don’t have the kind of emotion they have.
I cannot live like them.
I’m too selfish, I don’t feel love.
I cannot give it, no way I can.

It’s still raining.
It’s still dark.
God! How I love it.
But the room’s still full of emptiness.
And I’m still looking for something
Something that could stop my longing
Something to keep my emotion running.
Nothing yet for me tonight.
Should I still wait for tomorrow?
Yes, I will.
Goodnight.

9:30pm, August 7, 2007, International House, UPLB

2007-07-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Hooooraaayyy, I'm on TV!

Last friday, July 27, 10 O'clock in the evening, my eyes were glued at ABC Channel 5. First time that I'd be on national Television (my family's so tired of seeing me on local channel, hehe). Really hooray, it was exciting, I knew my interview was so much okay, I was not so stupid, I said quite few intelligent answers, and
even if my tagalog words were too deep like someone raised in a mountain, I knew it would be fine .

Hehe, chrissake, I just really hate my hair, and heavens, my oiliness-is-next-to-godliness face! The interview was taken last July 14, saturday. I went from a 9-12 class, travelled all the way to Manila from UPLB, and I never did anything to atleast put powder or something in my face, bahala na! Kaya hayun, bahala talaga ang itsura ko ng lumabas sa tv, huwahaha!

Anyway, the show was great. And the review was even greater, I couldn't ask for more when I saw ED LINGAO as the reviewer of our documentary film. Chriss, it's ED LINGAO! Imagine, Ed Lingao watched our documentary, and we were just actually planning to send the docu to some stations. It's more than what we've expected. And he even said to the viewing public that he appreciated the film makers because of the social relevance that we've presented. The music was a good choice, and the contents were great. He quoted my voice over, something to do with the question I raised " ang kaunlaran nga ba ay para kanino?" Hayyzzttt, I really felt so overwhelmed to put it mildly.

I don't know when the result of the contest would be. Maybe it's in the last week of August. I don't also know how it will gonna be. Should be also be there? Will it be live? Are we going to mingle with the other docu film makers? Am I going to meet Ed Lingao and others, and actually make some conversations with them? Uh uh, I am so excited.

I hope we win, we have a good chance, if only there is no txt voting. We don't have followers, but I know our film was one of the best, if not the best, based on the review, hehe.:P

Watch Dokyu, Fridays, at channel 5. 10pm

2007-07-28T23:36:00.001-07:00

My Own

We have 4 gold fish in my room at my dorm. Fish is the only pet that we can have inside. But they are not mine, they belong to a room mate. I can only see them, talk to them, Feed them sometimes. But I cannot own them, nor even name them, simply because they are not mine.

It's hard when the only thing that you can have cannot be yours, worse if it belongs to someone else. Someday I will have something for myself. Something I can call mine, something that no others can tell me I don't have that much business for it.

I wish I have someone.

2007-06-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

A NIght of Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Tired,
Happy,
Excited,
Nearly dying before,
Nearly laughing a whle ago,
But it was more of a sadness,
Than this reality I've been dreaming of,
I would rather call it frustration,
or just really goddam tired of what had just happened.
Damn, how could he be so nice, so loving, so childish!
It's all folded into one, I hate wha's happening now.

2007-06-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

Nocturnal stray

Beetles strumming in my ears,
the night slept deeper than me,
I wanted to get up last night,
sip Milo from an empty cup,
but my eyes won't allow me to,
my disturbed mind was fully awake,
my unkind feet moving in some directions,
yet never allowed me to go anywhere,
I knew I must go, I was just too bewildered.
Or I would rather call it fears.

Damn! I was lost in my path again,I wonder why.

2007-05-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit back today.

Yeah, been absent for some months intentionally. Hmm, I had decided for a while that I should forget about this blogging, I should stop writing poems, essays, and stupid diary. It makes me insane, really. I live in illusion, I live in my essays, and they only give me pains in my stomach and heart. I can't live like this forever, as I believed.

It's May 22nd, about 3 weeks before the class starts again. For the past few weeks I stayed in myb home, I've felt so hopeless, like before. I have no life, I have no illusion. Damn, I shouldn't have stopped writing.

For now, I'm trying to regain my craft for writing. I should start a book or something, I should continue my novel which I've started last year. Mark said I should write a book, both for craft and intellectual prostitution... I only laughed. Then everything came back in my memory, that had been my dream, eversince, even when I was in elementary days, I should write a book. But I somehow lost all my inhibitions, all my longings, should I be frustrated again? But I am actually frustrated now, chriss, I'm not inlove, and no one is there. I wish I can be inlove, so I can dedicate my art for this one. (hmmm, for the first one to give a comment for this post, I'd like to dedicate this for u, and perhaps make u my, ehek, ano ba yan! Feeling!).

So, uhum, okay, I will try to get back to my old habits. I'd post again, just give me a sign, hehe.

2007-01-19T22:29:00.000-08:00

I'm planning to include this in the essay contest sponsored by UP writers' club....i might not win, but atleast there's hope....I need to have additional allowance, wahehe....

Bilanggong Pulitikal

Isang malamig na rehas na nagkubli sa aking paningin,
Isang papudpod na tsinelas na magdadala sa aking kamalayan,
Habang naglalakbay ang isipang ginulantang
Ng sistemang binulok ng matagalang tunggalian.

Ako’y biktima ng kapanahunan.

Sa pasilyo ng malayang taludturan ng aking mga tula
Natagpuan ko ang sariling dagling nalulunod
Sa hagupit ng kapaitan ng tadhanang ako ang nagpasya
Malaya nila ako’ng iginapos sa bisig ng mga kaaway.

Ako’y biktima ng kapanahunan.

Humitit buga ng pulang sigarilyong muling binabalikan
Habang kinakapa sa anino ang matinik na nakaraan
Mula sa kuryusidad ng palalo at makulit na isipan
Hanggang sa pagkamulat sa pagka-agnas ng lipunan.

Ako’y biktima ng kapanahunan.

Ang labas ay aking malabong tinatanaw
Di pa din nababaligtad ang marupok na tatsulok
Ulupong pa ding nakakapamayani ang iilan
Habang hapdi ng sikmura ang nasa papag ng karamihan.

Tayo’y biktima ng kapanahunan.
Subalit panahon na!

Tigas kamaong tinitimpi ang bawat hikbi sa lipunan
Nakabaon ang sumpang magpapalaya sa bayan
Lalaya din ako
Bago pa man pumula sa silangan.

-LIZT

2007-01-16T00:28:00.000-08:00

Bewilderment

Just becuz the rain has stopped doesn't mean I'll be ok
The smoke is still unclear that it hurts my eyes
The place is still wrapped in fancy happiness that it kills my mind
And life is still a big confusion I wonder why....

when i can understand myself, then these fuzz shall instantly die.

2007-01-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

The sun doesn't shine it hurts my eyes again....contradictions strike me when I'm in the midst of pain....when I can liberate myself from the dead thoughts of nothingness, I hope I will start to live by the day....

2007-01-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

after the whole day of reading....

Arggh, headache! spent the whole day reading. uhm, I've accomplished much now, and have learned pretty good theories about the modern and post modern era, but I failed to read news and other literary stuff. I can't let myself be eaten by these theories, I still want to be human, heh. :-P

I feel...oh well, what's the use of wandering thoughts if I can satisfy myself with readings. I am not really sure what direction I am taking, I still at a lost, very much today. I guess I don't really want to be happy cuz I'm happier with not being happy, whatever that means, I hope anyone can understand this.

Next week will be our San Pablo Fiesta, will invite my dorm mate here, and maybe some UP friends, and see old friends in San Pablo to enjoy a night, perhaps on sunday. I wanna be drunk, maybe I could express myself more, maybe I could go back to being an artist. I'm so tired, really. And I'm so unhappy. Tomorrow will be a full pack day again, start the class at 8:30 am, untill 4pm, just an hour and a half rest for lunch, go to some places for our shooting sites for our MTV. This will be good, I will be busy, I don't have to think of too much things tomorrow.

I'm just so goddam tired. Tnx for the little talking-stuff toy I brought in my dorm. I play it whenever I can find time from reading. It says I love you, funny, I'm getting addicted to playing it. Atleast something's telling me it loves me. Sheezzz, what's this?!

zzzzz....

2007-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

Mike's dropping the course....

wahoooo....I don't know how much more complicated my life would be with this Advanced Communication Theory subject I'm taking this semester. I have just chatted with Mike, my fellow Master of Science classmate. He had BS in my course at UPLB din, but chriss he'll be dropping the subject on monday. My goolay! Oh Lumme! sharkieeeeessssssssssshhhhhhhhh!!!! Oh no, he can do it! I cannot stay in that room for four hours plainly discussing about these theories everyweek, i can accept it if we will be atleast 5 in a class, but we will only be two now, the PhD student ate Patty.

Hwah Hwah Hwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Oh well, yeah, I admit, I'm kinda enjoying the reading materials naman, actually I'm getting addicted to it na nga eh, but then, sobra naman un, heaven forbid, don't give that curse, I'm being a good girl na naman.....

Hay naku. Taz I'm so crushed pa man din ngaun, too hurt, too hurt, too hurt, and I'm alone in my dorm....ano ba, would anyone talk to me? Eizt, Kari, if napapagtyagaan mo pa'ng magbasa dito, salamat sa txt late at night, sa kwento mo'ng kaengotan ng pamamasyal sa mall of asia, eh nalaman ko pati na amazed ka pala sa fireworks (minsan padalhan kita dyan ng bala ni Bin Laden, unique again!). Nalibang naman ako dun, while doing my assignment, very very few people txt me during late at night, kainis! I hate being nocturnal na tuloy....

hayzzz, I'd try hard not to drop this subject. I'm not a quitter eh! grrr, just to prove lang pala, Pridechickenini! Bahala na gang!

zzzzz..1:43 am na(pati oras, enlababo! ako lang ang nde....talaga naman. wahhhhhh!!!!)

2007-01-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

(so much for this tonight. I'd like to share this one school assignment I've just finished. I hope I can do this....)

The marriage of socio-psychological and critical traditions of Robert Craig would give more light into the course of my thesis.

The perpetuation of power has always been the aim of the different classes of society. The people enable this society to turn into something different from the old culture and traditions, hence makes it more progressive and developed. In studying each epoch using the dialectical historical materialism, I can conclude that each argument of the different classes, the rich and the poor, the peasants and land lords, the workers and the capitalists, bring a new world that the people would soon live in. Now, when taking into account all these arguments and progresses, I can see the role of communication in this matter. A class to be powerful needs to communicate with the people of their own class so they can achieve the development that they have been seeking.

Human emotional condition is always intertwined with the condition of the state since it is the people who build and who belong to the state. As according to Majid Tehranian and Andrew Arno, the realization that social theory does not operate outside human relationships and is inevitably part of it is the essence of the communication turn in social science (POLITICAL ECONOMY OF CULTURE AND COMMUNICATION: A Theoretical Preface; by Majid Tehranian and Andrew Arno). In the context of studying culture and politics we cannot avoid but include the branch of psychology as one of the basis of our study.

I would like to study the kind/s of persuasion being used to some people on why they are being encouraged to join the nationalist movements such as Bayan Muna, and other national democratic organizations. In studying the people behind these organizations, I have an assumption that these people have their own psychological needs that they have found in the organization they join in. I believe that it is not just about the personal conviction, the ideological conviction, but the emotional fulfillment that they could get from these organizations. One cannot risk his life just because he believes in something, but he can do that in return with the psychological satisfaction he had been receiving from his comrades, or from the movement. A person is probably persuaded to join an organization in a manner that would ensure his own contentment and happiness, and not actually the interests of the other members of society. So, in this light, one fights not for something he believes in, but he fights because it is his psychological conviction and fulfillment. But each action could bring great changes in our society.

The risk I may encounter here, like what the Orthodox Marxist have regarded the Frankfurt scholars, is to be called a revisionist.

2007-01-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

My plan of course work

Now what! It's 11:57 in my 'puter. I think I should really be discussing my future plans here. Well, I've been encountering good readings so far. I have started reading about the history of communication where the book tackles about the combined theories of the three great intellectuals of the 19th century, Marx, Freud, and Darwin.

Reading the book guides me somehow in my plan of course work. I didn't know that there exist such thing as the Frankfurt school where they can combine the theories of the 3 thinkers. Well, yeah, some of Darwin's theory of evolution was used by Marx in explaining the "withering away" of the state, "the survival of the fittest" among the different states in the world. And the most amazing part is how these things can be explained by the psycho analytical theory of Freud, where, uhm, it mentions in some parts of the books that the people (like Marx) are being encouraged to join the Nationalist movements because of the psychological, personal, emotional deprivation of these people. Uhm, well (again, hehe:P) they have some good points here. So, now I have started formulating in my mind the course of my studies. The real problem now is to decide what my cognate course would be.

I think I'm not really gonna enroll to UP Diliman the next sem. I'm not sure yet, it's really exhausting if I will have to live in Diliman for a sem. Imagine the difficulty of transporting all my belongings again to Manila, imagine the food I'm gonna eat again there, imagine my financial constraint too, it will be superbly expensive to take masteral in UPD. But the origin of these stupid thoughts is the thing that I've learned from the UPLB Pol Sci prof (who by the way used to be my prof in my undergrad AB Political Science degree) that last sem there were 22 students who took up the comprehensive exam, and no one passed.... :( I cannot just ignore this, I cannot just waste years in my masteral studies, knowing that in the end, I might not get a degree after all. I'm really scared, I'm not getting any younger, and I also want to finish my LAW study once I get a Masteral degree. If I have the money, I think I can risk more, but I'm not gonna risk this much when I'm this broke now.

hah! so much has to be said, but I feel too frustrated now. By the way, these plans are subject to change. Marriage will be more important, and please don't tell me it's not. Who are u to tell me that I'm gonna break a good future if I will have to marry. oh well, blog again later. till then, bloggie:D

2007-01-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

huh! Good morning!

I haven't talked about the changes about my plan of course work here, but it's too early today, and my mind's still pretty occupied with the things that go around my disturbed mind. I'll have a presentation later at 10:00 am, and my first class starts at 8:30 am, my last class will be at 4:00 pm. And we need to get done with our two-column script for our MTV, so that's another thing to eat my schedule.

Krhayzz, why do I have to be too busy today when i need time the most to reflect on my emotion. Yes, I'm hurting, it's too indefinite, and it's too undefined, and I haven't found an answer why I feel this way. I think I just wouldn't admit, I know naman what's so wrong with me, but DAMN, I can't admit it.....I wish I can answer these inquisitions today....

2007-01-03T07:29:00.000-08:00

Sakit sa Mata....

Hindi ko sinasadya. Walang pilitan, wala sa plano. Nagkataon lang talaga, siguro nga mausok lang dito, at unti-unting nilalason ang mata ko. Konting kurap lang naman, baka sakaling mapunasan ng alikabok ang salamin ko'ng sumasagka sa aking paningin. Kahit pala isuot ko ang salaming ito ay papasukin pa din ang aking mga mata ng makapal na usok na nanggagaling sa hindi ko matukoy na lugar sa aking katawan.

Gusto ko'ng pag-aralan ang usok. Kung paanong sa nipis nito ay kaya ako'ng bulagin, kaya di ko makita ang liwanag, at di ko maipaliwanag ang dilim. Kung paanong sa isang malupit na buga ng usok ay kayang lunurin ang aking mga mata, sa gitna ng walang hanggang pagtatanong sa aking sarili. Bakit napupuwing ako? Bakit kapag napuwing ay kailangang maglabas ng mainit na likido sa aking mga mata? Bakit di ko mapigil ang agos ng likidong ito? At bakit di ko na lang iniwasan ang papadating na usok gayong kitang kita ko naman ang pagtatagumpay ng apoy sa monitor ko? Huli na tuloy ngaun, napuwing na ako. Lumuluha na ako. Hintayin ko na lang sigurong mamatay ang apoy, o piliting imulat ang aking mga mata kapag natapos na ang hapdi. At marahil sa susunod, matututunan ko'ng lumayo na sa simula pa lang ng pagningas ng isang munting apoy.

2007-01-02T02:11:00.000-08:00

siyet!
wag makelam!
basta siyet!
nde ko alam!
siyet! siyet! siyet!

2006-12-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

Darn the Weather!!!! I love it!

Exhale! Inhale!
It's the freshest breeze of the morning glory
walking around the campus, makes my feet tired,
brings my mind to all those forgotten memories.
I have lost my name, I have lost myself.
I will try to deny it, I am a pretender.

Jump! Jog!
The trees are dancing, the sun is hiding.
I was free as a bird last night, now I'm back to rusty cage.
Help me reminisce what I have learned yesterday.
Torture my brain, the last thing i want now is to run it.
Help me be free again, help me forget about you.

Leave it!
I am neither good in caring nor loving.
I'll never try, if that's what you're so afraid of.
Leave me now, I'm used to solitude.

2006-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

Mommy koooo

wahehe. I'm supposed to be hurrying for my laboratory class, but I couldn't help but blog this one episode today! Ate txted me if I wanted to go with them to Manila, I asked her where, oh well, to cut everything, MOM'S COMING!!!! Tomorrow na!

Huhu, I can't go with them to fetch her from the airport, and I have xmas party in our dorm, and I have this PhD subject (damn, damn, damn, always in the way!!!) so I can only see her tomorrow night. Hola, I'm excited! 'been 3 years na, missed her, super super!!!!

I wanna share this secret: I sleep and wake up in her arms everytime she comes home, and I feel too sorry for myself now that I'm staying in the dorm, so I can only spend few nights with her, huhu....buti na lang xmas break! Such a baby! yep, yep, I am. And I also hug and kiss her everyday, especially while she's cooking....sarap ng me nanay! Sweet po ako noh, akala nyo wala sa buto ko un, sweet ako kahit sa friends!

Hayzzz, I'm excited! See yah again bloggie!

2006-12-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

I'm doing better tonight.

I feel so overwhelmed now, I have finally gotten over with all the dramas of the past few days. Funny how I can easily manipulate my emotion, sometimes I really don't feel too real. It's like I'm living with a certain degree of virtual management. It's like I'm holding a remote control in my hand, and I can just easily change any channels in my life that I don't feel should be my focus. You see, I'm living in this world of too much freedom, where I can be in love today, and then leave this topic the next day. Where I can be so happy today while I was so sad yesterday. Damn, I'm dressing my strayed life into a perfect one.

Tomorrow will be a jam packed day! I haven't felt too cramming yet, but I have some fears now, I hope I can pass again this time. I got really good grades last sem, I worked hard for that ( chrissss, I am now a laude candidate in UP if I were in undergrad!!!! saya!!! I should have studied talaga during my college). This sem, I am not too confident, I have been making moronotic activities as of last week. I don't have the theoretical basic but I know the practicality. Damn, I'm not being bobo na again. Anyway, tomorrow will really be hectic but I'm excited for our first class, the 201 peepz will be there. wahooo....I've missed u guys.

So much for that, will post before xmas, lots and lots of stories. Will also tell stories about going back to boondocks....and the 2 friends who are getting married na, wahhhh....no, wahhh is not because they are marrying, but it's because one's asking me to be the bridesmaid, batukan ko kaya un!? Ninang, pd pa, hehe.

Nytie, bloggie. We have drinking session na, nagpuslit ako ng redhorse at san mig light sa guard, hehe, di nahalata....baet naman sakin si mamang guard eh!

2006-12-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

Chrissake!
I feel too goddam scared today, dunno why. Oh well, maybe it's not fears, nor has any tiny relation with fears. I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm bewildered, I'm excited, I'm enjoying, and one is not supposed to feel all these emotions. Am I now disobeying the Law of Psychology? Can anyone really feel all these at the same time? Maybe there's just one term about this, and I will never admit the truth, nor will ever come near the realization of it.

Sheezz. Am I? No, it's just the dilemma of this PhD course I mistakenly registered. Goddam UP!

I'm not fed up. Anyone there talk to me, please.

2006-11-29T19:51:00.000-08:00

This day after today

Damn tired of waiting for you.
my brain is surging tonight,
how could you be so elusive?

Let me just enjoy this hour,
but i hope you'd be back sooner.
I can't always find happiness in emptiness
please seek me out of the darkness.

You shall visit again after these terrible hours.
and I need not to wait for you,
but don't take too long,
cuz I'm tired of making these poems
I wanna be with you now,
maybe things will be better with you,
please come into existence.
time is slowly ticking away.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

LiZt
03:04 am
11/27/2006

2006-11-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

and finally....

Just one funny way of stretching things out.
A bottle of liquor does not make u drunk
nor will a puff of cigarette make any difference tonight.
Will you learn from this darkness?
Will you even see a light after?
I'm begging for a miracle.

Happiness came in inexplicable moments,
Sadness came just when you least expect it.
Walking can't cure the melancholy,
A firefly whispers the pain inside,
sleeping leaf waves to say goodbye.

I never notice my path anymore.

2006-11-29T19:47:00.000-08:00

Upuan

Napag-usok ng isang ligaw na katauhan
matamang naghihintay sa pagal na likuran,
makapagbahagi man lang ng marupok na katiwasayan,
sa sulok ng tulalang kaisipan.

Hitit mo ang kahinaan ng aking katawan,
nakikibahagi ka sa malalim na delubyo,
ng emosyon, ng lalim ng gabi,
ng hikbing naimpit sa kulungan ng dormitoryo.

Ikaw na lang ang natirang kapiging,
na sumasalo sa akin sa gitna ng pag-iisip,
teoryang ikaw na lang ang kabahagi,
sa empirikong ikaw na lang ang makakaintindi.

Sa trono mo,ako ang nakapaghahari.
sa lakas mo, sa twina'y kakatwang umaasa.
dahil nananalig ako sa'yo,
dahil sa gabing ito, ikaw'y aking kapiling.
at ikaw ang nagtakda sa aking pagtulog.
gisingin mo ako. Gisingin mo ako.

2006-11-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

Joel Espeneda died last October 28, 2006, saturday, 2 pm in Manila.

I don't want this to sound so shocking, but I want all of you to sympathize what i had felt when i received the txt from Vince that "there was a rumor that Joel died". I was in ajeepney almost 30 minutes before I could get home, I just had an overnight swimming party with my schoolmates. And I had to txt everybody whom I knew would know all the facts, and yes, it was true, Joel was gone.

The news that he passed away came to be a horror to me, not just because we had a very close relationship, but because I never expected anyone in my contemporary to die at this very young age. Aside from Mike whom I lost about less than 2 years ago, I don't know much people who have died so young. I had realized at this point how fragile life can be, you never know when you're next in line. It gave me the fear that I may be gone from Earth without even realizing how sweet and sour it is to live. As the text message goes, "a person asked Lord Buddha 'what surprises u most about mankind' Lord Buddha replied, ' they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. By thinking anxiously about future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor for the future. They live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..." Sometimes we take our life for granted that we tend to forget the most important thing in life, to be essentially happy.

JOel was a dear classmate, a good friend who would listen to all the angsts one had, a brave comrade, a big brother, a sympathetic counselor. He had been like that to me for almost a decade. He may not have lived his life to the fullest but I knew that if there really is the existence of souls and spirit, he would be happy. He was loved by many, was adored by all his students and friends, and achieved what he had aimed for his family 6 years ago when he got married after our graduation. As for me, I would try to live up to his expectation, that is...to fight and be brave in the midst of turmoil ( that was what he told me during college, he cut out my fears.)

2006-11-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

CRAZY SYA

Sometimes I'm breathing,
sometimes I'm not.
Sometimes I smile,
but it usually fades
Sometimes I'm inlove,
but never really tried.

If you are listening,
You listen to my soul.
If you think I'm into you,
then just believe I am.
If you really love me,
Then why these hesitations?
If you want to fool yourself,
Then foolish we will be.

If your feelings died
along with the freshness of the breeze.
then just please tell me when,
I will prepare a salad tonight.
If it seems you can't forget me,
what's the reason to let me go?
If you really want me,
just hold me in your arms.
Maybe we will then be happy,
it's just a matter of facing this.

We don't want this to keep in ourselves forever,
We have felt this same deep feelings,
And we have nurtured this for sometime now.
What then should u fear for?

LiZt

2006-10-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

Golly! it's two weeks before the first sem ends, and i'm so so dead for these two weeks.

So much has to be accomplished, my book critique, my newsletter, my comics, my plan of study, my dorm, my arggghhh.. and I got sick for 6 days, never been that ill. uhh, really bad!

will try to post new things here. where are my poems, wahhhhhh!!!

2006-09-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Feeling Overwhelmed

hayzzz..i just woke up today feeling happy, even singing before class started on my dev com 201 class. hehe, i think i just had so much burden during the last few days that i tend to overwhelmed this day.
Hohurm, i passed all my exposures for my Dev Com 140, action photography, i was the first one to pass it, got suddenly fed up with so much hardwork the whole week so i had to pass yesterday earlier than the others so i wont bother me again for the coming days, hehe.

I also subcribed to unlimited txt today, for the 2nd time, wahehehe. I still have alot to do but atleast I'm surviving.

opps, the good news, i might get a good job next semester, and might finally rent a dorm if ever I'll be accepted in International House. wahoooo....

hmmm, can't stay longer blogging here, need to read some notes too, i might still have 4 more exams, and it's less than a month to go to finish everything. hmm, I can do it! yehey! I'm happy, i hope to be happy for the whole year, mom might come home during xmas, yehey again!

2006-08-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

Talandi na naman ang panahon!

Bakit kaya parang baklita ang panahon ngayon, ano? Sabi nga ng pinsan ko, mas talandi pa ang panahon sa akin. Napakaunpredictable, daig pa ang babaeng dinadalaw ng unwelcome visitor nya monthly, pati nga sinampay ko sa labas naloko din ng panahong yan. Ang init init tapos in just some minutes biglang dadagundong ang ulan sa bubong ng bahay, napasugod tuloy ako sa malakas na ulan, hayan, sana lang di ako lagnatin, ala pa man din akong balak maligo today, ala pasok eh..yuhoooo..

Pero, teka, as if naman intresado ang dear readers ko dito (meron nga ba, ala na ako hits dito ah, tagalugin ko nga), kaya without further ado (ano daw?) eh lamyerda muna ako sa mga bagay na gusto ko lang ipaabot sa lahat, yan eh kung may paki ka dito..

Laugh. Even at corny jokes, pag di na carry ang sobrang kakornihan, pilitin na lang magsmile, or kahit wry smile lang. Pampaganda din yan, di tatanda ang face mo kaseh laging nae-exercise ang facial muscles mo. Ano ba, mas masarap ata gawin yan kesa sumimangot, unless unggoy ka na laging nakasimangot, nyay.

Sing. Halitin mo ang lalamunan mo maghapon if free ka din care ba na mas maganda pa ang boses ng aso mo sa boses mo, wala pa naman akong nababalitaan na pinatay ng kapit-bahay dahil sa pagkanta lang (unless napili mong isigaw ang MY WAY, faktay ka nga nyan). Remember, walang kahit ano’ng law, legal or moral pa man yan, na nagbabawal kumanta sa tao (wag lang magkakataon na nasa chatroom 51 si WHISKY). Ang pagkanta ay nakakapagpalaya ng kaunting bigat sa katawan at isip.

Dance. Di mo na kelangang umupa pa ng isang fafa DI para lang makasayaw ka, weno naman kung cha-cha lang ang alam ng paa mo, or kung wala kang kanang paa? Ang pagsayaw ay tulad ng pagkanta, di lang para sa dancers/singers yan. At wala lalong magbabawal sau dyan, pero, please sana lang eh maiwasan na sa gitna ng kalsada maglambada, worse, ang magcha-cha, dahil baka ikaw ang kantahan ng ilang gabi nyan, plus coffee and biscuits sa mga nagbabaklay (ahahayzz, may malaanghel na dila pa man din ako). Dance all the way, good exercise na, empowerment pa ng brain yan, great minds are conceived while dancing (baguhin ko lang ang sabi ni Mark twain).

Watch feel good movies. During college, I used to live with Probe Team documentaries, watch news everyday, see those political debates (Bob Garon debates, remember???? Highschool ako nun ata pero regular viewer na ako, sheezz, what have I done??). 3 weeks ago, nagpunta ako sa sine, I had to choose between Pirates of the Caribbean and Sukob, natural pinili ko ang Sukob, Idol ko si Kris Aquino, ano be?! Walang masamang magpakabaduy, sus! Kung serious na nga ang working environment mo, serious ang mga kasama mo, aba, redundant na masyado ang life mo kung serious pa din ang pipiliin mong panoorin, debah?

Be insane for a while. Naisip mo na ba minsan na nakakainggit ang mga baliw? They don’t have any fears, lalo na sa future, they don’t care eh, they just live, they don’t even care if they won’t be eating anything for tomorrow. So minsan, try nating maging insane. Liberate ourselves, feel free, have no fears, basta alam mo lang kung kelan ka babalik sa sariling katinuan, baka naman magtatakbo ka ng hubo’t hubad nyan sa labas ng bahay mo eh, aba, strait jacket na ang katapat mo (unless macho/sexy ka, ahahayzzz). Sometimes, a sane person must know how to be insane so he’d know the difference, and he’d appreciate life in a better perspective.

Walk around. Wandering around would give you your best thoughts.

Talk, share. Nobody dies showing what he feels (sabi nga ng poem ko nung highschool). Society lang naman ang nagsasabi na kabawasan sa macho image ng isang lalaki ang magshare ng ano mang kalungkutang nararamdaman, and tayo din lang naman nagdidictate sa society, so why not change the norms? Kung ala makausap, madaming halaman dyan, practice na lang fwend, malay mo mag-oonga sau eh instant fwendship agad, basta alagaan mo lang lagi ng dilig. Or come online, basta ba di ka hengot na pasaway eh we can have a coffee while chatting.

Heto pah! Ang sabi ng txt ni kari ( naulit pang I-send after 3 days ba un?)…

Don’t expect life to be perfect! Honga naman, kaw nga di perfect eh asa ka pa na buhay mo maging perfect (tantanan ako ng joke na ang pangalan eh perfecta or perfecto, please….)! Basta, sabay ka lang sa giling ng buhay, try mo makailag sa bawat suntok neto pero okay lang kung tamaan minsan basta bangon lang ng bangon ( kahit si pacquiao tinatamaan din noh). Never take life for granted, but grant your life with some takes (ay ewan, basta un na un!). share ko din toh

what surprises u most about mankind? Buddha replied “ they lose their health to make money and then lose money to restore their health. By thinking anxiously about future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor for the future. They live as if they will never die and die as if they never had lived. So, live and let live na lang, awkie ba tayo dyan?

Dami pa dyan pwedeng gawin, kaso la na ko time muna, till next issue..:D

p.s.

Lagot, dilly dollying na naman ako, 4 no class days with little accomplishments, puro kaseh pasarap sa buhay, hayan. Kick out na ko sa school next sem! Kitakits sa pagbabad na lang sa room.

2006-08-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Sa Panahong Umuulan sa UPLB Campus

Umuulan na naman.
Madilim ang paligid,
Tahimik na naglalakad ang mga henyo ng kampus,
Habang patuloy sa malayang pag-indak ang mga haring puno.

Namamalas na naman ang pagdapo ng mga pagod na ibon,
Marahil darating na ang aliwalas sa gitna ng dilim.

Impit ko’ng inaawit sa saliw ng himig ng ulan.
Dito man lang ay maipamalas ko ang kasiyahang dulot ng panahon.
Sa paraang ito ay masasambit ko ang hiwaga ng kalikasan,
Sapagkat dito nahihimlay ang tinipong lakas ng aking pakiramdam.

Sa isang sulok na ito,
Sa labas ng main library, kapiling ang malawak na kapaligiran,
Natagpuan ko ang panibagong pag-asa ng liwanag.
Pipilitin ko’ng imulat ang namumungay na mga mata.
Iwawaksi ang maaring pagdalaw ng mapangahas na antok,
Dahil natatakot ako, sa tuwi-tuwina,
Na maaring di na maulit pa ang ngayon.

“I’m singing in the rain,
what a glorious feeling,
I am happy again”

2006-07-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Gimme a Title

I am

Of no power.

I am

Of no choice.

I am alone

Deserted in my lost island

Sometimes breathing,

Usually dead, yet loving.

I am

Helpless in the midst of the pain.

I am

Such an elusive conquered soul.

Finding a heart,

Lonely as mine.

Never leave yet,

If anyone’s listening.

I am

Tired, as usual.

But keep wandering,

Walking around the world of deception

I am listening

To a deaf sound of happiness

And hoping to get the chance

Of understanding nature.

I am,

Please let me be.

2006-07-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

Cross Roads

Ang pagtahak sa mahabang lakbayin ng buhay ay kadalasang nakakapagod, nakakasawa, nakababagot. Minsa'y mapangahas ko'ng pinapasok ang isang daan nang hindi nakasisiguro kung ano ang maaring kahinatnan, sapagkat nakinita ko lang na maaring nandun ang sagot sa matagal ko nang paghahanap ng kapayapaan ng loob. Marahil ay sadyang may tao na madalas maligaw ng landasin, sapagkat sa tingin ko ay napapaglaruan ako ng masalimuot na kapalaran. Sa bahaging ito ay napapagtanto ko na maaring ito ay sa dahilang hindi ko naman talaga sigurado kung ano ang hinahanap ko sa lakbaying ito.

Maraming sangangdaan na ang aking napuntahan, ito ang nagbibigay sa akin ng napakaraming kalituhan sa aking isipan, higit sa lahat ang mga pasakit na naramdaman. Kadalasan kasi ay sinisiksik ko ang aking sarili sa isang napakakipot na daraanan, dahil iniisip ko na dito naman talaga ako magiging masaya sa pagdating ko sa hangganan ng buhay. Minsay ay totoo, minsan ay isang kasinungalingang kailangan ko nang panindigan.

Naririto ako ngaun, naglalakbay, tinatahak ang panibagong natagpuang landas, subalit, gaya ng dati, wala pa ring kasiguraduhan kung aabante, o iaatras ko na lamang ang aking mga paa upang marating ang kung ano nga ba ang nakahandang buhay sa akin sa kahanggan. Simple lang ako, simpleng komplikado, simpleng nakaangat sa malalim na buhay....

2006-06-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

The Commercialized Sector

And suddenly…
Thins become so strange
Everything’s new
No longer shall the children of the prolet enjoy the privilege
Bourgeois Idealists emerge from all places
I am saddened, so saddened.

I am caught unguarded by these small parable
The smell of fresh leaves from the big old trees
The silence enticing the tired campus geniuses

Free, Scienctific, Mass-oriented education!
They shall forever shout. But voices were never heard.
Education is a privilege!
This is just what the republic exactly shows.
Never a right!

DAMN THE PRIVILEGED!

2006-06-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

on the flesh for the first time...just wondering if this would somehow make sense, ehehe..

2006-06-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

The Echoes of Banahaw

Magkandirit
Magtampisaw
Umuulan sa dalampasigan
Nagaanyaya
Nanghahamon.

Tag-ulan na naman sa aking isipan
Nagbabalik ang bangungot ng kahapon
Tulala na namang nakamasid
Sa mga naligaw na insekto sa pasilyo
Habang patuloy ang mabilis na pag-agos
Ng mainit na likido sa mukha ko.

Magsayaw
Mag-indakan
Pula na ang araw sa dakong silangan
Nag-aanyaya
Nanghahamon.

Relatibong mapagpasya ang panahon
Minsa’y pumapayag sa mumunting kahilingan
Ang nais lamang ay muling mabagtas
Ang makikipot na pilapil patungong kalayaan.

Manimbang
Maglakbay
Naghihintay na nga sila
Nag-aanyaya
Nanghahamon.

2006-06-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dilly Dollying Lizt

Fed up with the noisy horns
With the erring pollution
The madness
Growing in the city.

I have long wanted to fly
But have not found my wings yet
I have walked for a thousand miles
But I only got strayed somehow.

They say I’m beyond anyone’s coherence
Maybe they lack rationality then
I ain’t got a good pocket
I never got one
But I got a grin for everyone
I have never spoken love nor care to anyone
Well they love me for who I am
People seldom see me when sane
Cuz they will be here when I am not.

I’m still fed up
If there’s anyone who’d want to know the truth
But I’m trying to be ok
And still smiling
‘cuz it’s better to do this
than explaining the contrary.

2006-06-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

Hating from a Distance

I hate you.
I don’t know if I should,
But I feel like hating you.

I don’t really hate you as yo,u per se.
I cannot hate you that much,
With all those softly spoken words
Dancing with me during solitary days and nights.
With all those hours of togetherness
Hiding me in your arms from a thunder lightning.
I cannot really hate you,
Perhaps, I can only long for your attention.

I am probably mad.
But more to myself,
For letting you stab my heart.
I have seen your weapon ahead in the distance,
But hell, I allowed you to come near my chest.
I shouldn’t have believed in fairy tales.
You killed me. This madness kills me.
I’m just so weak today.

Maybe I can dance again tomorrow. Maybe I can write a song for another the next morning I wake up. Maybe I can be better, things will be better tomorrow. I just hope that I’ll still be able to wake up again after forcing myself to sleep tonight.

2006-05-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Betrayal of Nature

Chimes are dancing in the silence of the night,
so peaceful, so quite.
Glorious cold wind knocking at the door step,
I am tempted to welcome her.
A little rain too generous to offer a serene mind,
I'd like to feel the water outside.
Pale moon, darkness help me connect to my soul,
and try to live thereafter.

Everything is supposed to be cooperative
this is what I've always wanted
(Childhood days never change yet in me)
But then everything is a betrayal
a wicked trap in this disheartened emotion
(as if everything exhausts the same old feelings of yesteryears)

I never have wished to be bothered again with the same thoughts,
but nature is here to betray everything in me....

2006-05-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

Pagbabalik

I had been staring at this broken window
numb of everything,
as if denied of a human privilege
to breath the fresh air of an impossible tomorrow.

I walked around for hours,
I was trying to see the people outside,
I was trying to know the reasons of human existence,
but moreso, I was trying to get anyone's attention
(God, was I that unwanted again?),
but nobody seemed to notice this hurting soul.
And so I walked again,
going where the wind would blow,
going to the same cycle of my life,
again,
and again.

There was a little sunshine before i went out,
and now, everywhere seems so dark,
even the nocturnal grasshoppers would be blind at this darkness,
but I couldn't find my way back home,
and it's probably too late to tell the words,
nah, I'll never push for it, it's really ok.

When I'm gone,
everything would be better.
It happened before,
too bad it didn't happen that way.
I'll be going back there,
who knows it would be my last.

2006-05-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

sToRm SiGnAl No. 1 and 2 and...

Wandering around the dark busy streets
Hoping to fish a hidden soul in one corner
Pieces of broken bottles scattered in the old asphalt
Yesterday wasn't a happy day
Today's not even going to be one.

And jokes are supposed to tickle my mind
And the memories should have forced even a wry smile on my lips
But things are the same,
Things are always the same,
Why should it always have to be the same.

Storm hasn't passed yet, I suppose....

2006-05-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm finally freed from the Church, I still want to be a nun, but I couldn't swallow the system.

I can't blog that much tonight. I'm supposed to be happy, but damn, I am hurting..

See yah next time.

2006-05-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

DAMN! Why does everything have to be a lie? Why does everything have to be an illusion?

I grew up with lies, and lived in illlusions. If there's any truth in my existence, I think I have forgotten all those. I'm in my middle age, and still so much bewildered, I wonder if I will have to suffer this way for the years to come.

Am I existing? Am I real? Could anyone tell me the direction to go? Will there be any real person there? I hate cyber! I hate you!

2006-05-02T06:05:00.001-07:00

No Way for Enrollment

I'm not frustrated, because I didn't really expect it that much, but I'm definitely hurt. I cried, I had to run to the freedom park so I can hide my tears. I'm so confused, I wanted it so much, I'm losing hope that I can ever go back to studying. If I will push for it, I may not be able to finance anything the next month. I cannot ask mom for any support again, it's too much, Ive wasted enuff. Someday, I may go back there to enroll, I think this isn't my time yet.

Tomorrow, I'll be better. The park made me better. Tomorrow, I can think of better things, and may forget about this illusion. But I think I will regret this day for the rest of my life.

2006-04-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Now What????

Time is slowly passing me by. Yet I always have this feeling that I don't get to catch more of time to do what I want and need to do. Time is too slow in so short a time, late for me to realize I've wasted too much time and exerted too much effort on things I shouldn't give even a millisecond.

I want to go back to school. No, not to Law school, I fear that I will be wasting my time again studying Penal code and Civil codes, and may not even pass the Bar, I'm not that confident enough i guess. Besides, I don't think I can send myself now to Law, damn, books even scare my little pocket. I think I've learned enough as far as what a layman could learn, enough for those units i've earned. And I can't waste another years and end up wondering why I pursued that.

I really want to be in the line of journalism or broadcasting but opportunities do not knock twice. I should have stayed longer in our cable production, but damn, I didn't have the guts to be the Executive Producer of the whole station. You see, I was young, too young when they designated me as the E.P.. And goddam politics will always be the shadow, sometimes the master, of media.

This coming school year I might continue my masterals. Just a little confused now whether I go for my skills, or the one with job assurance for me. Or choose what would really make me happy, stay in a remote area, have a simple living with the deprived children and people there. But maybe I'll stick with MAED for now. I've exerted more effort with this. All I need now is to ready my finances, find another job which will give me enough time (and save energy) in going back and forth to UPLB. And perhaps, spend sometime again to may favorite places at LB. The Makiling, with all it's big big trees. This will be fun, I wish I can afford more units, fare is even a big burden to my pocket. And I wish mom would agree, so she can pay my house bills for a while..hehe (umm, maybe i can still do that, we'll see)

Huh! Am I kidding myself? Was I not supposed to be applying abroad? Didn't I plan this before that I should stop hoping to make a decent living in the Philippines? Argghh, I'm under lucid interval again. Ummm...The plan's still there I guess. I'll find better opportunities If I will be able to finish this masteral, or I can go for distance learning. Hooray!

(I posted this to give myself a direction)

2006-04-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

He's gone..And things were never the same again.

Staring blankly at my old box containing all your old sweet letters makes me miss those days all the more. I can never forget your voice, your laughters, your caring which brought me in the best world I can ever live in. No other man could evewr make me long the way I long for your kisses and hugs, all because you had your special way in making me feel so special too.

I'm looking at your photographs, one day will come that I'll realize I'll be older than these faces I've kept in my albums. But I shan't be tired nor ever get bored keeping your pictures, because these remind me that I was loved before, that you make my world complete simply by just sitting there beside me. How can I forget your tears mixed with relief when I opened my eyes after getting drowned. I even saw you crammed when you were calling me just before I got lost from the deeper part of the lake (and this lake will always have special memory in me). We used to go to movie houses together, would share one sit if there was none available, I'm not sure if you knew then how I appreciated your presence. I looked up to your bravery but when it came to my expense, you were always scared, that's why you never allowed me to ride in your motor (I've heard you were among the champions when it comes to motor cross). For you, I was so fragile yet you encouraged me to be strong, and I had never felt so weak when you were there. You spent alot of money at my expense, you'd take me to the best restaurant cuz u said I was getting thin then. So, we'd eat the best lechon paksiw, fried chicken, and all those meat food cause you wanted me to gain weight. You thought I was still that sick baby you held in your arms, who spent those months in the hospital (when you left me, I stopped eating all those food, so now I only have fish and vegetables in my diet. You see how our parting affected me much).

Mom would always say you loved me more than you loved yourself, cared for me in no way you can ever care for yourself. We were happy, we shared the best times together, playing, talking, joking, haunting birds in the woods. You were the reason why I was strong and happy. You were my strength.

Then came one day. I saw you coming home. I thought you were supposed to stay in the hospital longer. But you were there, and I was thankful the man I loved so much was home. Morning came, noises around, medicines scattered on our bed, I went out to ask for help, and it was the biggest mistake I've ever committed in my entire life. I wanted to be beside you during your last breath.

It had been for several years now. I was young and more vulnerable. Life would have been totally different if DAD were alive today.

2006-04-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

I had tried to be happy tonight. I actually forced myself to make atleast a grin. Life is disgusting tonight, perhaps, if that is a more appropriate word to use. I should not have postponed my travel last friday evening. I've just actually finished two comedy movies from HBO, and none changed my moods. I'm dealing with inexplicable misery again. It's been haunting me like a werewolf at the woods during the absence of the moon. If I could tell what's there at the back of my mind, I might probably cure this melancholy, but there's no telling everybody why. My friend would always say I'm being sentimental, 'guess ure right Vince, pare, you're definitely right. I can't deny this now, and the fact of the matter is I'm over doing this now.

I've cursed writing some years ago, I had tried to evade this before, I hated my poems, my stories, but then it's my constant companion, the long time bestfriend I can ever have and treasure forever. But this makes me lunatic, as I've always been saying. Like tonight, I'm supposed to be just plain watching tv, but I found this ballpen and paper, rather I sought for them, so now I'm writing again, and feeling so helpless ever again. I said I'd rather finish reading this book beside my pillows, but it's Emily Dickinson's poems and letters dealing about her semi-tragic life. God I'm so nuts.

What could be the best possible cure for this? Help me before I got a stupid answer at the back of my head. Catch me dreaming in the rye.

2006-04-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

Nostalgia

A long handshake
And a little night
The pleasures of hello
The pains of goodbye
hurting
and killing
The sun never sets
giving hope
giving light
My heart forever waits
hoping and wishing
That at the dawn you'll be knocking
not tired
not bleeding

But in case you don't come
I'll understand
As much as I understand
our Revolution

But for now
I can only wish for another star
And bear these heartaches while fighting

Still waiting for
a long handshake
and a little night
hellos and goodbyes.

2006-04-05T06:23:00.000-07:00

Travelling on Lenten

I need to travel anywhere, I feel the badly needed travel this time. Damn, I beg for unwinding, I'm lunatic again for the past few days, am I inlove? har har, no one's there yet knocking on the door, just fed up from work and I need to scape from this world.
I was planning to go this friday night after office, ill pack thursday night then ride a bus after taking a bath friday night. My plan was to ride a bus to Quezon, and then ask anybody there where I can probably spend a night, perhaps a cheap resort will be best. I don't wanna inquire yet for any place I can stay, it's a good new adventure for me. I thought of bringing alot of chips and bread, this can support my intestines for d whole day or so. and of course, my ever treasured books will be there, and my diary, and my pen, and and and my insanity..hehe.
well, of course, this wont happen, friends and I have come up with a plan this lenten holidays, we'll probably spend 3 days somewhere travelling..
Perhaps a guitar, our laughters, the simple talks, umm, we'd rather talk about our lives, and experiences (I should set the rules to set aside those political/social issues so we can be human again..), will be enough to fade away this melancholy i've been feeling today. I've missed those days, where have all the young hearts gone?
i'll tell u stories about what will happen..goodnight..

2006-04-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

Parang nagsipagtago na nga yata ang mga tala sa gabing nagdaan. Pinilit ko'ng tanawin kahit kapiraso ng buwan man lamang, nagbabakasakaling masinagan ang naningkit na mata sa mga gabing nag-iisa, nag-iisip, naninibugho, sa kasiyahan ng mga nagsisipagsayaw na alitaptap. Aandap-andap na ginalugad ko ang pasilyo ng madilim na kalye sa labas, parang sementeryo kung minsan ang bayan sa kalaliman ng madaling -araw. Nag-iisa na nga yata ang kaluluwang ito sa pagtalakay ng nilumang istorya ng kahibangan.

Taktilaok, naririnig ko ang dating manukan sa aming maliit na bakuran, sa minahal kong bukirin ng mga ninunong nagkalinga sa aking kamusmusan. Gumising na kayo, humayo upang ako naman ang makahalinhan sa muling paglapat ng likuran sa aking higaan. Mahal ko'ng mga unan, ako sana'y damayan.

2006-04-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

Minsa'y Nagsasambit ng Pangarap ang Huni ng Ibon

Maglalaro ako
Sa lumang paraiso ng paru-paro
Sasama sa landas ng ligaw na hangin
At doon
Ibabahagi ko sa kalikasan ang isang pangarap
Maabot na sana kita.

Huhulihin ko ang huni ng kulisap
Baka sakaling maikulong sa aking mga palad
Dahil nandirito
Ang sumpang nagdurugtong sa atin
Sa bukas na aking tinatanaw
Upang palamutian ng malamyos nilang himig
Maabot na sana kita.

Samahan mo ako'ng hulmahin ang kasaysayan
Kung sakali mang mahiwalay ka sa aking landas
Sapagkat ako na ang nagtakda
Na sa huling tuldok tayo pa rin ay iisa
At ipagbibigkis ng pinatibay na bagin sa ating puno.

Salamat sa 'yong bukas ng palad
Maaabot na rin kita.

Masarap mahimlay
Sa pugad ng isang pangarap....

2006-04-03T06:51:00.000-07:00

Panibugho sa Ulan

Banayad ang bawat paglaktaw sa kalupaan
unti-unting pinapawi ang ingay ng pulutong ng mga kulisap
makulimlim na naman sa kaparangan
sadyang hinihintay lang ang pagsukob sa lumang dampa.

Nagbabadya na muli ang pagluha ng kalangitan
at magsasayawan ang tuyot na damo sa makipot na bakuran
magsisibuhay na muli ang punong-ugat
at lilikha ng panibagong obra ng mahiwagang kasaysayan.

Tag-ulan na naman
sa libong araw ng pag-aabang ko sa tag-ulan
naninibugho ng naman ako
dangan kasi ang ulan ay sadyang may kalayaan
kung bakit hindi sya kayang mapigilan
at ang lakas nya ay isang malupit na kapangyarihan
dapat ba talagang mahalin ko ang ulan?

LiZt

2006-03-27T03:04:00.000-08:00

Tired as usual

I'm so tired today, not because I've had so much work to do from the Church, I just got so tired from this damn world enveloping my wholeness. I'm in deeper melancholia again, there were nights that i'd stay awake just because I fear everything.
Damn, I can't stop my mind from running again, I don't really wanna think of anything these days, I feel too drained, and I feel too tired. When my mind runs, my pulse vibrates wilder and I can't stop everything then. I can't stop crying, I can't stop hoping and dreaming for those impossible things to happen, I can't stop loving without really anyone to love with.
Damn, I hate thinking,somebody pls take this brain off my head!

2006-03-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

My cousin Cristal Kaye will be graduating from kindergarten this friday, and everybody seems to be in their highest suspense until the day comes. Even when Ck was just barely months old, we knew then that this baby girl will definitely have a brain to compete with her cousins. I used to care for her for some days when she was just three years old. I was the sole yaya for her, and there was one night when i totally had mental lapses again (which, incidentally, occur every now and then) and forgot that I was taking care of this baby girl, I slept for like less than two hours and got only awakened when i received this tapping from my head. And Ck was telling me that she had made the bed upstairs, and she already brushed her teeth, and she just felt sleepy so she had to wake me up. Golly, I was amazed that she intelligently used the chair to brush her teeth, but the horror struck me when I realized that she climbed the stairs alone, damn, it has 11 steps.

It was great caring for this child that time, but it totally devastated me knowing that her father was in real bad condition in a hospital and she wouldn't be able to see him cause her mother would rather not allow her to remember anything at that situation. She was, really is, sensitive. There were times that she'd ask me if her father could still recover though we didn't totally admit to her that he was sick, and she didn't really witness how sick her father was back home. Some weeks after, she lost her dad at age 3 (i was 6 when I lost mine). I was tasked to explain everything to her (i never had the more difficult task than this one). I was never good at this, I had to call a cousin to help me with this but she turned her back cuz she couldn't hold the tears back, so I had to talk continue explaining to her, and of course there were stories of angels, etcetera etcetera. I thought she wouldn't understand anything, I could see her confusion in her eyes but at that particular moment the caskette arrived and she asked me if her dad was inside that "thing". So we knew then that she knew whatever it was that happened.

Ck was never a cry baby, she seldom cried when she was a baby, she used toilet bowl when she was one year old, she would even wake up in the middle of the night to pee at the bathroom. During the wake, she told me "masakit ang dibdib ko" ("my chest hurts"), I naturally asked why thinking that something went wrong with her health, and she replied "ate, parang naiiyak ako, nami-miss ko si daddy("I'm teary, i'm missing dad"). I had to tell her that it was "okay lang namang umiyak kaseh aalis na ang daddy mo" It's fine to cry cuz ur dad's going). She held back the tears though, she was teary eyed then, and it was terrible to see a 3-year old girl holding back the tears, knowing that she wasn' too innocent with what was happening. She would even stay beside her mom telling her not to cry any longer, I saw her cried more than once, though, when she would go inside her bedroom. I didn't know if I should be glad that she's too mature to understand everything, it's like seeing a mature young lady deeply hurt but wouldn't display real emotion.

Two years after, now comes five-year old Cristal Kaye who will soon be a grade-one student this coming school year. She will be graduating from one of the best schools in the Southern Tagalog region, competed for all the school contests in the kinder garten (always the youngest among her contenders), always active, funny really. We are all going crazy for the suspense whether she'd receive an award or not, what we just know is that she's chosen to be among those students to dance in the stage. Our aunt asked her once "ck, ano'ng sabit mo?" (what's ur medal) and she sarcastically said "eh di kaldero" (pot,what else), "eh ano ang gusto mo'ng regalo ko?"(what do u want for a gift?") "eh di isda, ilagay mo sa kaldero" (fish, whatelse, to have something for the pot)..

let's just wait and see if this one's really smart..hehe

2006-03-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

Lunacy is a cure, if I can't be insane for a day, I'll be sick the next day. Whatever that means. I shouldn't be dwelling much on troubled spirits, but I seem to be missing my environment, damn, I'm supposed to be acting normal these days.

2006-03-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

hey yah! it's been for a while. Damn, I was in couch potato yesterday, my eyes have eaten 3 feel good movies, i washed the clothes, went to Atty Ereck for an affidavit as requested by Jonah, the long time Kas.

I was so depressed for the past few days, and i was all so depressed last night. I lost my passport, and God I can't go through all those hell of arranging things for that. I'll never be able to come with the outing to HK if ever, it's about 2 weeks now, and the process for getting a new passport would take more than that,damn!

I don't usually feel too bad when i lost anything, i had for a lot of time lost money, but I didn't feel too depressed, I just accepted the fact that it's gone, and there's no way I can retrieve it. I cannot find anything I lost by crying, right? I'm thinking if I lost my almost 5-year old cellphone with my almost 5-year old simcard I'll just be sad but it would just be fine. But this one is totally different, God I lost my passport! That would just mean that i would have to spend alot for attorney's fee, going to police precint for a blotter, visiting DFA at Quez0n province for my personal appearance, and I can't just make an absence from the Church. It's not just about the financial matter (although, it would really cost me alot), but it's the time that I should alot to process everything. Forget about HK!

I went to Sampaloc lake last night, stayed there for like two hours alone until I got hugged by this real cold air of the lake, i was supposed to stay longer but it's past 11pm and I've realized that I was almost all alone in the park, besides I needed to cook yet for my late dinner, I was sooo starving, there wasn't any little vendor around to fill my aching stomach. It's just all about this passport, I wish I could finish it earlier so I'll never bother to think about it so often, and concentrate on more important matters in my life. huh! what could those be?

LiZt

2006-03-16T18:08:00.001-08:00

Sunday, January 29, 2006

what i really want....

I’m supposed to be hurrying on something, I need to arrange things outside. A good work might finally be waiting outside, but anyway, I thought too that I haven’t done good justice to this blogsite, so I prefer to stay for some minutes. I’m used to this.

I know I’ve been taking my life so much for granted. I’ve come to this age without really realizing anything (it’s an overstatement, my dear), without really taking any straight direction. Maybe I haven’t just decided yet, for all these years. Maybe I should really have continued my calling; maybe I can’t continue another life without following this path I’ve so long been trying to evade.

I was so young when I decided I’d be a nun someday. There were other dreams of course, but everything just passed me by. And me being a nun? I haven’t forgotten it yet. But years had went on, and so my passion, and so my religious inclinations. If you asked me about my conviction, I’d rather say I’m a folk catholic, just to avoid the fact that my political ideologies had somehow made me agnostic, or existentialist for that matter. I believe that being a nun is not just about praying, not just about believing in infinite being; but more so, it is about a person with all the passion to help and understand people. It is about me carrying the task of serving and saving humankind from ill destructions of inner and external forces. Then somehow, this can put me in serenity.

I’m just giving myself another 3 years of my life. I’ve been through a hell of life, a life I’ve chosen to lead before. I was contented then, my life was everyday at stake, literally, but I got to do what I’ve wanted. Now, I’m physically at peace, but not my mind. If I were to continue what I’ve went through, then maybe I won’t be seeking this much today. So another three years won’t be that bad. If I won't and can't find anyone or anything special along the way, I’ll sure be a nun, or just anything as long as I serve people. But i do hope that someone might catch me before I decide, hehe.

I’m writing this to remind myself. Thank you for listening for a while.

posted by LIZT @ 7:05 PM